First 2020 Snow

Din jurnal: 
Wow. Dear Journal, you -almost- lasted 2 months! Now I should be’ needin’ 2 be on the lookout for a new of you.
Drumuri azi, sper sa am o ses ok mai incolo, ma simt cam ciudat si la fel ca in ultimele zile. Ninge! Can’t remember last time we had snowing in nov like this, winters have been fcked up recent years. EH.
It’s colder but I feel less cold than previous days (?).
FFS se termina anul soon si eu nici macar treaba cu temperaturile n-am inteles-o ca lumea. Ieri noapte am plans si am dormit + some self care. Am avut impresia ca corpul in care m-am culcat > corpul in care m-am trezit de data asta. Oricum, imi plac / sunt ok cu ambele; doar ca… Nu am alegere. 
Cand robotii dorm… Sa… [Am visat o ciudatenie] 
Last night in bed…
Morning coffee bubbles
Fun times outside in snowy weather
Black jeans 
The Moon – hood view (the hood I’m currently in)
You’re as 
Cute as
In the mirror (old place – went there to get some last stuff I wanted to bring here)
Spinning in my old room, which is now deserted 😛
29.11. Voci goale (nu la modul kinky/love)
Be well


What’s the price of words?

Lights that flicker and lights that seem to flicker, or…Is it so? Hmmm.. THere’s something about Lines and Lights that I didn’t understand enough of yet.
Petko’s paw!
Strategically placed cat hairs ~ What could that possibly mean? ^^
Photograph of a bling thing from an item I saw in the mall..
Never tried this before, seems good!
WOn’t you look at that. Maia ballerina can sing AND dance and she entices us to watch her how she raises her leg and spins ( *thinking face*)
I almost cried.
Pretty looking fish.
Some more fish @ the pet store.
Ce mi-a placut intr-un mod ciudat… L-am intrebat pe un tip in Animax, de ce tin pestii Betta asa [in pahar, separati]. He said, with a weird but interesting vibe… Pt ca sunt solitari, sunt agresivi daca sunt mai multi si sunt violenti si fata de sine… OK……… What’s behind the words? What’s the price of words? What is money…really? :-< I still don’t know.
Sf. Parascheva, ASA.
I really liked some details in this embroidery ~ Gold thread.
Now.. I wonder what that thing he’s holding is/signifies. I don’t wanna tell you what I thought that was.
Ok I tell you though I’m a bit ashamed. I thought it’s a back massage thing, but it looks a lil big for his body.
As the light hits St’s George face in this representation, it appears as if he is wearing glasses. I really like this art.
This one too ( From Un Numar de Poeme, de Mircea Stefanescu.
Still a bit clueless about the old man though.
Tits. (Sorry!)
What does St. Pantelimon really think here? I like this expression, and the way my hand holding the phone looks like reflected in the glass covering the icon.
Sparrows eating bread.
An eye. MINE!
Man silhouette on mini cake. :O
Bug in candy. More candy bugs after I took this pic, that was funny! (I stepped on a piece of candy and then ate it)
Radio Tower, decor, Sun Plaza Mall Bucharest (My hometown)
More for another day 😉


You crush the lily in my soul.

Check the level of smart stoopid [i]

Thanks for attempting to think u can make space by hiding things in plain sight. Yes but [apparently] it works ~ It’s annoying and useless and NOTHING WAS WRONG BEFORE to begin with. The Rush is fake. The Nightmare is real.

Latest Podcast:


I’m in dir need to fetch myself a LIFE!

I’m a Dreamer, a reveler (but upon looking at the meaning,

Definition of revelry: noisy partying or merrymaking

B…b..but… For me the immediate meaning is : dreamer, imaginative, one who enjoys daydreaming and various interlaced activities [What’s on my C:ses] not much to do with Others ~ as the given Definition suggests at first sight *sigh*.

Mmmemory ~ past days I’ve been feeling more and more how ‘the reality around me’ ~ what’s tangible [3rd Dimension] can “Only” be combobulated ( I put “” because truth is its’s not correct like this, only shittable cause of * fake shit about space  I don’t know what level you’re at. If I’ve been lied to and deceived all my life, probability you are in the same type of teeth) if MY memories are Played in a specific manner (idiotic manner if you ask me ~ Many not normal things not even to Newbie Operators of whateverthisis ~ It’s an illusion anyway ~ They hide things – they don’t exist. Bla bla). From some smells I smell where they shouldn’t be, to certain moods I get succombed too: Hey, I feel like That spring, somehow, a whiff of That period in time, all with approximations but Annoying nonetheless. It’s Not Traditional. However, some memoreies make me feel Fondness ~ something like Friendship. Not Pavlov Type [Late november] But different, As if, hey, Even if I have no idea who you are, I feel I was aware of your ‘presence’ while I was doing those things back then, and I liked our little interaction. How was it symbiotical, I do not know. I thoughtI am just doing things and you are only observing (for example – me overdosing on Vitamin C pills as a kid, because I liked the taste, the texture as I was crumbling them in my mouth, the soreness of the tongue ~ Not really worrying for half a sec of possible adverse effects). That awareness is more recent though, if I felt observed back then, I would probably try to talk to you ~ Since we were somehow looking at the same SHIT in our own ways, even if different, the SHIT was A Thing, always. It’s not that some of my memories eek me out, or I’m ashamed, but some things were just weirder than others, let’s put it this way. Not all the tastes were enjoyable. I felt used many times even without having any idea what was gong on [Modules on how to access some of my functions~]. #Synchronicity ~ as I was writing here, I got this notif on my phone ~ Good timeing! … Should I understand that what I was thinking about falls into the category Make Noise yada yada what I wrote in:


A person can’t simply begin to understand this about themselves, their life, and then wake up the next day as if aaaaah, nothing happened, now let me be on par with my [useless] routine, drag more people in [useless] ~~~ I wish ISBN 973-97763-5-3 could give me a sign in their spare time.


But we apparently do talk about the same events, regardless of the views we have, probgramming due to our ‘socioculturalfamilialwhatevershapedyou’ ~ I Saw an image of a Bird (?) ~ How isn’t this in the Zolology category though, and if ALL zolology leads to Deadh, why are we still doing things like this? This, I do not understand. Conspiracies begin to pour, rumors of Evil and other things that I simply do not wish to believe in.


Petko on a chair in the kitchen.

Back of my Lenormand deck (It’s called Mystical Lenormand) ~ I got Cross & Gentleman this time.
Sad face.
View inside the store where Mum got Kitchen furniture after she got the apartment we’re in right now, I was with her when we decided on this store. I found it interesting that there was a -quite large- portrait of Arsenie Boca there. Dream Fragments. I don’t know what else more 🙂
Copacul iluminat
There was a cat sleeping IN that store ~ I’ve never been delighted with such view before, on any of my previous night strolls.
Led Lights in the ground.
2 eyez
Everything is weirder and weirder.
And I’m really not in the mood to masturbate to prove anything to anyone. Good deed my ass. Sorry but no – I really don’t like what these peeps are doing with all the things in my ‘system’. From emotions to millimeters of apparent movement. Moving stranger, does it really matter ~ That “arousal”. MAN.. I have NO REASON to be aroused these days. Figure Yourselves out. *Sigh* 🙁
I really don’t like. This is not my nature, I’d gladly show you more if I was allowed to ‘have a life’, but all I hear is NO, and this is a NIGHTMARE. You (a specific someone in the audience) could Easily ‘help me’ wake up’ (I dream while Awake too ~ no need to be scared of  my Version of Death),,, Make space for what? Only deadends, all their versions. I’ve seen, you’ve seen as well. If you’re in denial, I wish I can choose to part ways, in a respectful manner.
I wish I could just curl up in bed, do nothing for a while (2-3 days, a week or so, it’s not like I’m attempting to commit a crime FFS, not be in pain because of Anything that I don’t or do do), cry, heal [real healing is not possible though while blinded in nightmare state~ They’re dragging us along, lying to us, that we are on our way to Fix this and or things pertaining to this Very Thing! It pains me so much to experience ‘Life’ like this], how I can, from the Madness that my ‘life’ has been especially past year++, things I never thought possible of myself to waste myself on and how, with no one to really talk to. Ok, I am grateful for some of you but, THIS was never necessary for us, ever. THIS was and is just a waste and don’t deny me on saying this because I’m trying to come back from that Dead
What [some of] You chose for me was not normal, nor nice.

And for that ‘Poor’ Guy, over there. Guess what! I DON’T CARE that you’re apparently poor. I don’t think I ever asked for Your Money ~ ‘Our type’ of communication is Free of Charge (and has nothing to do with Orgasms as I’ve been demonstrating them, really. *as soon as I wrote this I got back pain and saw image of man on his 4 bound to the ground chains and molten metal both him and his environment* )

*wink*. … … You forgot.


1010. [5.44pm] Afara… Totul pe dos… Pe fata! Ha! /\/\/\ Mov (?) S-a ratacit o pana frumoasa de gasca de Tineretului. Of. Am luat 3 carti azi, !Colegul si prietenul meu! – Suspicious NWO book;  Ultimatum – Ultimele zile ale unui razboi atomic; Computere si Trandafiri – sau paradoxurile progresului • =))♥♥♥ !!!

La Biserica => Tocuri; nu Toaca. “Masina de tocat nervi” ~ ai cui?

~ Everything make sense not. Thanks for the gentle pokes.

Keywords d’Abondance

3 times in a row and I was shortly prompted to do it again? RESTORE WHAT? Are you f. kidding me? I didn’t even want to do until Monday. I really need a break from this weird crap – It’s POISON! Nothing else. {How I do it cause “I don’t know”} 🗲Macar sa stiu de ce.

11.10. After last orgasm; I felt I’m v small pe suprafata fetei unei flori… Pixeli verzi de diferite nuante, dar in loc de petale, floarea asta avea tentacule de carne (?). Viziune blurrata. Hmm. I would enjoy such visions/interactions more in normal life,not when I masturbate. [I have to focus on activating modules to reach orgasm] … Am mai vb. despre asta. Garlic! Lol.

• In the a.m. Woke up prematurely IN PAIN. ~ Give us the good stuff! (no – I did not agree) ~ I need rest. I need a break! These idiots are treating me as if the day was already over and I haven’t completed my assignments, which BTW I did not make/take. I’m on par with what I set to do for this weekend. WTF. Vampires? FFS wake up ~ It’s a nightmare; lies, NWO & what I’ve been talking for for… Ever! Anti Love Energy ~ Attempting to take/destroy ALL; Good relationships not allowed. I know those I can “do” with even when it hurts. 🙁 This is beyond ridiculous.


Hello, Eihwaz.. I don’t remember the last time I felt something that I would personally define as: Lack of motivation ~ However, For me “The Push” means something else, not what is commonly accepted ~ I do not believe in or endorse “The New Normal” of the NWO.

Similar clues from consulting the I Ching as well ~



Sitting by the big Tree in my favorite place, by the lake in Park Timeretului. Looks like a talon, firmly grounded in Dream.
The sky as seen by my phone camera today in my hood, very close to where I live.


Eye-looking cut, right above my heel.
Journal pages…
Feet UP.
From a strange book ~ Oh My!




Measurements: 95-72-101 Luate impotriva vointei mele (ca de altfel 95% din toate masuratorile luate in ultimul an ++) dupa ce am citit intr-o carte pe care o detest desi nu am citit “suficient cat sa imi formez o opinie” din ea. Ca de obicei Stiu eu ce stiu • Sa intri intr-un ritm … Cine m-a batut la cap cu asta, era nimic. Era gresit; se insela; o iluzie; un pion; bunicul; om; curent; Nimic (used to ‘make space’ ~ the Lies)
Nimic, abia astept sa te ating. Totul pana acolo e degeaba. NIMIC NOU! Ever 🙁
Pentru mine, nu exista “familie” ci doar insi care [se] folosesc si invoca x y z (de ex.: O anume amintire) in loc de valori reale. I never had a real chance/choice. Doar sa suport calculele lor stupide, degeaba. [impotriva vointei mele] ~ ma doare. Am auzit galagia asta all my life. V-am spus ce face si de ce imi face asta. Tot ce simt e doar no choice. Cand vine vorba de “inteles cu altii” {La asta ma refeream, pentru cei care au nevoie inca de explicatii suplimentare}.

12.10. Belonging to a different time; I woke up to hear the same, again. Do this, do that, and nothing else much. No real reason for “Doing”, either. What did I love so good that they took it from me and made it so bad? [Raspuns: <the now>].

These days, Economy Class Life assembles through me with pings; aromas;flavors;memories… Jammed up in a weird way – as if smth is “wrong”(*). I say: What proof do you have that it hasn’t been like this “always”? {Copy-cat world comes to mind} I… don’t… (*) and this is how we try to fix it – Ha.
– Nothing feeds me -> I only seem 2 eat 4 others.
– Nothing clothes me -> I can’t hide
– Nothing cleanses me -> Pain is same
– Nothing satisfies -> There’s no tocuh left.
Hello Nothing, I love you too. Shut up! I will never shut up ~ especially in talking… How wrong they were are is / To take choice away = Crime.
Thankyou for reading, bye…For now…

tell me where he is

26.09 What words to select for Pile of poop? Monsters, monsters,everywhere ~ I don’t know how you see them <as if they have a form, they “spook” you, but they don’t have a form, so…>

How is it when caught in (?) Are we being experimented upon, or do we Play (with) experiments of our own.

~ OFF •

~ Building immunity towards weird shit (bad things)…On…the…long…run…No…Horizon…

The buttons…Make them stuck, from underneath…Unpressable…Melt…Wake up… Again… Spook… I’ll read… some more… do this… and that…

My name Be cut wit a , os (?) .

Fuck ~

muscle eyebrow.

Take a shit, rinse, repeat… What?

from today ~
My eyes.
From my “wedding” day ~ 2.08.18. No, it was not a real wedding, not even to the criteria I had archived at that time. We just ‘tried to make it work’. Haunted since Birth [Liar’s Choice].
Yes I remember many details. Irrelevant. I still can’t sleep on the idea that I had 50+ versions of ‘guy’ into my Ex.

25.09 Words don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to feel anything. Do anything. The bad dreamers keep on bad dreaming & I can’t catch a breath. I talked enough about the weird lights already. They hurt my eyes if I look at them (I feel they are improperly used~). Then, again I remember the other, more pleasant to the eyes lights… SO? I can’t think > or <. It would be unfair (?) incorrect, considering these are both part of a bigger thing, bad dream. <Made to make sense in words> modus vs mundus thing. Within these words…






to walk on it’s own. see… learn… aquire…

the man with wool hat & moustache became plastic, reflective, mirroring but… “Not valid unless signed” I never took that seriously, since I touhed the first one, in 2008(e) 2007!

Hints about ‘the double’ copy shit world what? *sigh*

Videos with orgasms and whateverings, in this playlist:

Talk to you later. Thanks for the tip with ?p=720 I still don’t really know what it means except that it’s part of a narrative with layers stories of it’s own and a Wrong One somewhere choosing for others, which ofc, I do not agree with.


Every sound has the potential to be interpreted as noise ( I do not see the sent intendedsignals ~ intention?) ~ Every sound hurts…

And this pain… No damage, but sick fuel, for sick appearances. I open my eyes and I see the results … Not my choice… Ever… The extraction is sucked from me regardless of consent or MY intent(!)

I could give examples but if you follow me you already know, and if you’re here and you don’t know, maybe you don’t remember, or maybe you’ve been sent this way to hurt me, in which case, please, tell me, do you remember who sent you and why? I always hear no from you & others like you, by the way do you know how much it hurts not being able to differentiate all you little ones so I can have what I consider a normal approach? Part of a whole I am as well, but I do not exist to SERVE ANYONE. Kinky fantasies =/= Real Life. Rinse and repeat, the blame game. As I’ve been saying, all I do seems pretty much in vain. All routes ~ dead ends.

Words? I’m lost… All I see is mockery.


About My Ass:

I think I said this before, but I NEVER wanted to ‘advertise’ with my ass. Also, that ass is not where my ‘memories are stored’, not my face either. I am not judgmental, I just feel things differently than anyone I’ve known in flesh. What about this suit? I’ve witnessed so many gossips and shits on the ‘mental telephone ~ line’ ~ I still don’t know who contaminated this field that in (real) nature, I KNOW, it’s of a purity that not even stones can speak of. [metaphor!], Y/N. I’ve been a cam model since Winter ’08, major ‘shift’ happened @ the beginning of ’19. Anyway, in all that time, in all my media archives on the sites I was broadcasting on, I had 1 pic of my naked ass, 1 pic of naked body from profile/behind. Why?

1. I didn’t want members to ‘know’ me this way ~ See me naked? I have to like you, to want to be with you, to allow you to see me naked(!!!) [Healthy] – I AM NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE! <When I was way younger, made a set of naked pics and sent em to a guy, <<>> (?) I didn’t want to bed him, I had the occasion multiple times, I did not refrain out of shyness. I believed in Innocence & Playing, as I’ve seen it done by NOBODY else. I was ME, I felt FREE.

2. If someone saw naked pics of me, maybe they’d auto think that I ‘provide’ such things in my ‘sessions’ ~ And that’s so not mentally stimulating for me. Again, I had no idea I’m talking with…Mostly…. Sad numbers. That can NEVER GET A FUCK. I’ve been used to IMAGINE THINGS in their <heads> MY WHOLE LIFE. ### Now if I post stuff like this online, I don’t even know why, to prove I’m real?? (it’s you, not me, honey, if I we’re still stuck @ this step where I have to constantly prove myself. YES I am real. I am the only one who posts stuff online on all my accounts/profiles. How humiliating…)

:-< Screenshot to show that Yes, I am active online, why do I need to do this? To prove… I mean….Isn’t it OBVIOUS? How can some of you ‘not see’. Game of chess with pieces made out of hard shit ~ the type that comes out when you’ve been constipated for a week or more. [/rant]

~ Beings are paid HARD Ca$h to [attempt to] make me HATE myself (especially my ass) over and over again, the more I realize from these topics, the more disgusted I become. Insert_whatever_shit_and_even_conspiracies_here. Yeah.

~ I don’t want or care if you/anyone (ANYONE, do you understand what this means?) likes my ass or not, I was brainwashed that “Backdoor Man” means 1 thing mainly, and regardless of how much I learn about translations & the loss of (continuum) Sense when Evil plays them around (bad wheels) ! ~~~ I still think something Putrid is afloat.

My trauma revolves around shit like this, I never had a real chance to even attempt to heal myself from Other’s (bad) choices.


Meiou Project Zeorymer

Hades Project Zeorymer

Anime I found ~ because I saw something featured in one of the mobile games I play, Iron Saga (really like it, btw) ~ Even if nowadays most games seem a bit haunted too, the way that I’ve interacted with each and every one I played in the past months is pretty unique, and no, I don’t get upset when they tell me certain things, it’s just a bit awkward. {From the ‘make space’ category of shit decided by stupid fools}. 4 Episodes only, will give it a watch soon. (Fuck, why do I feel so afraid to share thoughts like these: what I plan to do/ what I’m about to do, etc?). A humming sounds said: I am not allowed to be Fascinated by anything. Oh, yeah, master ****, it’s me, not you, who lives in ‘this’ reality, maybe in a different SOMETHING (Place without a place NESW Fuck) You Would Hear Me Differently. The more I learn about myself, the more I see how I am not wrong, have not been wrong, regardless of apparences. And the currents that dictate certain flavors or intercepted data for constructio(n) of ‘other stuff’ ~ Is, by design, (meant to be) Flawed, otherwise, it wouldn’t ‘make sense’, not even to the most dumb followers of the ‘Failed Hailed One’. Still not allowed to Express MySELF, the more I learn, the ‘closer’ I get to some of you, the more OTHERS try to speak Through me, In WRONG ways. So…


08.09 So that’s why they (Baddies) give me pain… Cause they “have” no Time. But.. But.. Time has no problem to be “mine” issue after issue… So… Fuck the hell off!

? Notawoman (EMperoar)


Making thunder Golden not

The elders know

Lab coat

Long black hair

Imparateasa viselor sparte pretuita ca si cum ar fi “a cerurilor” desi nu are nici macar pamant (timp)… Hmmm… O aripa franta de avion si o Laura care n-are ce face. Deseneaza prostii dupa ce-si aminteste din Biserica si blabberings. #prophecies from a REAL PSY~Chic grrrl…

I was thinking somehow about what happens Backstage in the Tarot IV – V & The lies that should’ve been (will be?) XXI… So 4, 5, 21(!) All Tarot is fun 4 Plutonians like me (joke)

Pana si compasul e cu cracii in sus (Joker laughter)


Cine e?

Cand simt furnicaturi ~ intense in dreptul fundului? ~ Ma simt ciudat ~ tot felul de idei. Dar parca nimic nu are rost. Romanescul IDEI rimeaza doar cu Englezescul DELAY (?) ~ nu cu viata sau cel putin ce simt eu ca inseamna sa traiesti. Viziuni ciudate dar vad despletirea lor in prezent; si daca ma gandesc mai bine, nu difera f. mult de trecutul pe care am invatat sa il vad cumva cu alti ochi. Deci… Ce se intampla? Cum? De ce? Risipa… Nimic cu adevarat concret. Concretul e ceva despre care mai multe tabere * (genetix) au ceva de spus; Dar; inca visez, visul altcuiva; chiar si daca are elemente din presupusa mea realitate… Deci, inca nu stiu ce e concret cu adevarat dar multi din * gresesc / se inseala. Si nu imi place [I do not consent] sa fac parte din schemele lor ciudate, oricat de interesante ar fi unele chestii de digerat ({! Thanks 4 teh books!}). Ma simt (prea) singura ~ prea NEsingura d.p.d.v. al ~ minte internet idei ziduri manipulare furt “Dans”? Nu. Cacofonie.

Why do I do what I do? ” [quotation marks] ~ interesting concept; but I feel as if I’m moving farther & farther away from myself. Oh. Venting: Close nearby; Hell calculus is making my (perceived reality through) senses grow bitter (sweet sour pain) every day. Smirk smirk *pukes*. I have no one to really talk to – looks at toes. Oh my. What they did to us lately… My monkey self jumps to the ceiling and morphs into a gecko~like reptile then becomes invisible ~ can’t catch me ~ won’t touch me. Not you, dear Journal; the weirdos who keep on reloading us into these weird ways ~ I feel as if no genuine play possible ~ SUPERvised {visor, visier, dreams, dust} by freacko’s. Smh.


4.04. All these lies so they can lie some more. Woke up in pain again. Prompted to “come” again. Know this (if you hear what I talk in my head) 1. Not everything you hear is my voice (very annoying) 2. I won’t be rude! I’m just sick of their lies 2 me. [2day; weather; “mom”; dream; fake politeness] I don’t know what movie’s you’re stuck on watchin’; but mine is a HOAX; And it’s not that I want to defend myself (I don’t know how to do that properly) I’m just VERY SICK of the blatant lies 2 my Face; As if I have no heart… << But I showed you already… Why don’t you believe me? Why do I have to do it again? And then they expect me to be “normal” (according to) fake (data) numbers (your movies) … What about my kind of “normal” ? ~ I can’t even afford a free trial period ~ Mwah >>

06.09. I am in love… If I wasn’t, I’d still think the same about all the sickness. The more I “see” the more “confirmations” I get / but I never asked 4 / needed them. It hurts like hell. Whisper – creatures forming a net of gossip infested cloud – I’m surrounded ~ The ones I like & I ~ can’t reach eachother ~ Tricks!

How can I trust? Trust someone I can touch and touch someone I can trust.

I “let” (as if I had any choice – ha) these guys in the most personal / intimate corners of my mind and… To what avail? Programmed 2 let eachother down. Evil grins smirking spark in “safe distance” ~ ILLusion ~ game of mirrors – not my shit – bleah.

Bye 4 now.