Weird headachE

Blurred mecha - old VICTORY watch
last time I tried it didn’t go like this – blank.

Not allowed to take a screenshot so I took a picture. Started watching this on Netflix. Ghost in the Shell SAC_2045 ~ found this interesting ‘no noise no life’ because of what I’ve been led to believe lately… Also, translation seems off. (both the Japanese & Romanian ones)

In my context, noise [“Every sound hurts”], like I’ve been talking a bit about it, still makes no sense to me but, I hear {sensory manipulation – Nightmare}, a REaction is encouraged[forced] (in MY OWN MIND! ~ by external sources ~ certain sequences activated against my will & maybe others’ too.) then I ‘Emit’ something that I’d label as ‘bad’ ~ that is ‘food’ for the ones that are used to make my reality seem the way it does, over and over again. I don’t know how to put this in better words now, irrelevant, anyway. I’ve heard (felt) that this is already a known thing. I tried various pathways and I always seem to reach similar deadends ~ I have no Control, or real choice, when it comes to these circumstances. It’s very bothersome, stinks of Bad Design. THIS IS NO LIFE. [Inverted somethings; Ooooo, Shiny, I hear Junkrat’s voice in my head].

Interesting article: https://gizadeathstar.com/2020/09/psycho-electric-weapons/

Do I want to learn more about this? Not really. Regardless of our good intent, somebody keeps on making bad choices for us, and quantumify ‘Time’ to their ‘advantage’, which, is nothing like this, really. A weird mechanism.

~~~

Heard this song playing in my head, but I heard the lyrics as: ‘Crucify my heart’ ~ instead of ourselves/myself.

Every finger in the room was pointing at me, I wanna spit
In their faces then I get afraid of what that could bring
I got a bowling ball in my stomach, I got a desert in my mouth
Figures that my courage would choose to sell out now

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands drive another nail in
Just what God needs one more victim

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Everyday I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
I crucify myself

Everyday I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being
I said, “My heart is sick of being in
Chains, chains”

Got a kick for a dog begging for love
I gotta I have my suffering so that I can have my cross
I know a cat named Easter, he says, “Will you ever learn
You’re just an empty cage girl if you kill the bird”

I’ve been looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
Got enough guilt to start my own religion

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being
I said, “My heart is sick of being in
Chains, chains”

Please save me, I cry

Looking for a savior in these dirty streets
Looking for a savior beneath these dirty sheets
I’ve been raising up my hands, drive another nail in
Where’re those Angels when you need them?

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Every day I crucify myself
And nothing I do is good enough for you
Crucify myself

Every day I crucify myself
And my heart is sick of being
I said, “My heart is sick of being in
Chains, chains”

Why do we crucify ourselves?
Why do we crucify ourselves?
Why do we crucify ourselves?
Why do we crucify ourselves?
Why do we crucify ourselves?
Why do we crucify ourselves?

Every day

⛓️🔗📎🧿🔓🖇️🏴󠁭󠁨󠁴󠁿

The sun  from my window today ~ Last night, the sky was so interesting, different, “shiny” ~ I feel that I could almost touch it. Big clouds down low, moving SO fast, that seemed to make the sky look ‘lit’. A rare view for me.. 

tell me where he is

26.09 What words to select for Pile of poop? Monsters, monsters,everywhere ~ I don’t know how you see them <as if they have a form, they “spook” you, but they don’t have a form, so…>

How is it when caught in (?) Are we being experimented upon, or do we Play (with) experiments of our own.

~ OFF •

~ Building immunity towards weird shit (bad things)…On…the…long…run…No…Horizon…

The buttons…Make them stuck, from underneath…Unpressable…Melt…Wake up… Again… Spook… I’ll read… some more… do this… and that…

My name Be cut wit a , os (?) .

Fuck ~

muscle eyebrow.

Take a shit, rinse, repeat… What?

from today ~
My eyes.
From my “wedding” day ~ 2.08.18. No, it was not a real wedding, not even to the criteria I had archived at that time. We just ‘tried to make it work’. Haunted since Birth [Liar’s Choice].
Yes I remember many details. Irrelevant. I still can’t sleep on the idea that I had 50+ versions of ‘guy’ into my Ex.

25.09 Words don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to feel anything. Do anything. The bad dreamers keep on bad dreaming & I can’t catch a breath. I talked enough about the weird lights already. They hurt my eyes if I look at them (I feel they are improperly used~). Then, again I remember the other, more pleasant to the eyes lights… SO? I can’t think > or <. It would be unfair (?) incorrect, considering these are both part of a bigger thing, bad dream. <Made to make sense in words> modus vs mundus thing. Within these words…

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to walk on it’s own. see… learn… aquire…

the man with wool hat & moustache became plastic, reflective, mirroring but… “Not valid unless signed” I never took that seriously, since I touhed the first one, in 2008(e) 2007!

Hints about ‘the double’ copy shit world what? *sigh*

Videos with orgasms and whateverings, in this playlist: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL5b6q2JRlw29HaFd2aSvCEKhcVUGp593F

Talk to you later. Thanks for the tip with ?p=720 I still don’t really know what it means except that it’s part of a narrative with layers stories of it’s own and a Wrong One somewhere choosing for others, which ofc, I do not agree with.

No matching

25.09.

Hello ~

Cam2Cam
is a unique feature that Members can access via PC or mobile while you are in a
Private Chat together.

This allows you and your Guest to really take
your session to places previously unimaginable and make it more intimate and
fun than before.

Usually, Members decide how intimate they want
to get with you. Now, you can offer them a whole new, intensely satisfying
experience that only requires them to enable their camera and/or microphone so
you can see and hear them.

This feature is specifically designed to make
your Private Chats last longer to offer you an additional option to increase
your earnings

From Imlive dot com, the platform of video chat that
I’ve been on the longest [Along with camcontacts dot com who bot banned me for
not being real because I crossed the threshold with some members while online].
I’m still brokenhearted by not being able to be on CC anymore btw, was my fav
site after all I tried. But the site changed after they kicked me out (Ha!) ~ I do not believe in (any) coincidence not even 0.1(%). 

So, on site IML mockery and shit, every time they ‘come up
with’ soething ‘’new’’ ~ look at the ease they use those words ….just to
define…emptiness…and LIES. Yes. This site directly mocks me and bullies me
& the ones I try to communicate with for at least  1 year. I am the ONLY real person that
‘works’ there as a chat host. Can’t handle the truth? Ask somebody else who
knws to show u the numbers u seek, I am here for something else, not licking
numbers on screens. Yes. I am the real one, they used me stole my ideas my
dreams and made the Nightmare Thicker than ever before. Behold…. “
to places previously unimaginable
I’m in this shit since 2008… I imagined things that will never be puttable in
words or numbers, so…What do I get in ‘exchange’ (wrong word) ~ THIS?? Lies
like This??? It’s not that I don’t wanna keep up follow a strategic procedure
for ‘doing things online’ etc, but HELL, it’s not real, It is not…. Only lies
and fake shit (numbers don’t be offended) used to brainwash and take your money
further…what do you get in exchange??? Nothing. Zero. Illusion. No choice. No
you. Nothing. Zero. Over and over again.

How can I live seeing shit like this unfold Daily,
before my eyes, nothing of True Value being permitted (or) encouraged (no, its not
encouraged if its being sucked out!).

No words make sense and yet I still have to do this
shit every day how many months have passed now? And why? 19999 didn’t exist. I
don’t care you got all excited, The one who made you feel that isn’t wasn’t and
will never be real either. Guess what

I am [real] and I HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH MY REALNESS
YET AND THIS DRIVES ME CRAZY ~ It’s Unacceptable! Real does not mean the (how
we’ve been trained to perceive the) Physical form. But something else much more
complex, that numbers will never be able to comprehend on their own or through
failed prototypes
of bonding / pairing
~

Thank you for the hints /–.–\

Lips closeup:
Asking myself: is it wrong to see that as ~ artistic? Descriptive comment with how I felt like while looking at it. Hint received: It’s a Person (?) [ _ _ _ _ _ _ _  intensifies]
][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][  ][
•○•
Under which pretenses, in what sort of reality, a thing like that is more of a person that things that look like humans?
Thanks for showing me hints, and teaching me about some things, but, all roads lead to… Live… In a Nightmare (as it’s now) … Me & you, you & me, but… It’s somebodies choice… Not mine… not yours… Same shit over and over again, (wrongly used red) ~

 

De pain pour thought

💧

He loves me ~ Leave us be ~ about Time [a riddle] 👩‍🔬

Pay attention…

~ More words from me: and not only(more than just words, that’s what I meant, you double speak Fools):
There comes a time when nothing makes sense anymore, and everything hurts. And they still want me to masturbate…to get orgasms? And it’s in vain, and I do it anyway, day after day… Why? I am good and normal by Default. What are they seeking? Why can’t I get a real chance to show what I’m made of? And I’m forced to swallow everybodis puke in this prison of flesh, that I KNOW HOW TO LIVE IN AS A BLESSING BUT THEY DONT LET ME. … Yes, I’m that good. I can make a blessing out of Anything. No, I’ll never allow them to know my ways/copy how my ‘brain’ works. NEVER. I have My Own Way of ‘mapping everything out’ & I just wanted to live my life, found out through the mirrors of the Copying & Mockery.. I’d never TM or sell my way, not even give away for Free to ‘Any’1 who asks / “needs”. It’s Mine. I wish I could choose Ones to share more with, talking with randoms on the Psychic telephone is Confusing & Keeps me from being myself and I can’t live like this under no experimental conditions or whatever. This feels off. It feels bad. It’s clearly part of something bad and wrong. The wrong God as long as still in pover Mono shit missunderstood even the ones who see mono chrome, nobody is allowed to be themselves in this sickness, only lies, bad layer, stuck here despite I beated the whole ‘Game’ that I never saw as a game to beat. Words will never be enough, numbers either as they force them now to obey. Now I go, to waste some more time to undo something that some other beings wasted from their time to do. *sigh*. Logic? Hell.


~Stuff I wrote in ImLive Chat: GoddessAzra : Hey

GoddessAzra : Ponderings…

GoddessAzra : On being a Host here….

GoddessAzra : [Linguistyx always played by Fools]

GoddessAzra : FOr me being a host means 1 thing (the Correct one) That I am a MODEL here, no, silly, not Prototype… I’m a real person (More than numbers on your screen) willing to interact wth you, the member (HOPING TO CHAT TO A WHOLE PERON, member, not just an arm, a leg, haha, etc)

GoddessAzra : BY NO MEANS being a host on this site means that MY body can HOST any of “”your” content, dear numbers.

GoddessAzra : We’ve all been brainwashed and lied to.

GoddessAzra : Who knows , knows…

GoddessAzra : But why do ones that don’t know have DIRECT access to HURT me????? AFter all this TIME?~

🩸

Nightmare

Every sound has the potential to be interpreted as noise ( I do not see the sent intendedsignals ~ intention?) ~ Every sound hurts…

And this pain… No damage, but sick fuel, for sick appearances. I open my eyes and I see the results … Not my choice… Ever… The extraction is sucked from me regardless of consent or MY intent(!)

I could give examples but if you follow me you already know, and if you’re here and you don’t know, maybe you don’t remember, or maybe you’ve been sent this way to hurt me, in which case, please, tell me, do you remember who sent you and why? I always hear no from you & others like you, by the way do you know how much it hurts not being able to differentiate all you little ones so I can have what I consider a normal approach? Part of a whole I am as well, but I do not exist to SERVE ANYONE. Kinky fantasies =/= Real Life. Rinse and repeat, the blame game. As I’ve been saying, all I do seems pretty much in vain. All routes ~ dead ends.

Words? I’m lost… All I see is mockery.

~~~

About My Ass:

I think I said this before, but I NEVER wanted to ‘advertise’ with my ass. Also, that ass is not where my ‘memories are stored’, not my face either. I am not judgmental, I just feel things differently than anyone I’ve known in flesh. What about this suit? I’ve witnessed so many gossips and shits on the ‘mental telephone ~ line’ ~ I still don’t know who contaminated this field that in (real) nature, I KNOW, it’s of a purity that not even stones can speak of. [metaphor!], Y/N. I’ve been a cam model since Winter ’08, major ‘shift’ happened @ the beginning of ’19. Anyway, in all that time, in all my media archives on the sites I was broadcasting on, I had 1 pic of my naked ass, 1 pic of naked body from profile/behind. Why?

1. I didn’t want members to ‘know’ me this way ~ See me naked? I have to like you, to want to be with you, to allow you to see me naked(!!!) [Healthy] – I AM NOT A TEENAGER ANYMORE! <When I was way younger, made a set of naked pics and sent em to a guy, <<>> (?) I didn’t want to bed him, I had the occasion multiple times, I did not refrain out of shyness. I believed in Innocence & Playing, as I’ve seen it done by NOBODY else. I was ME, I felt FREE.

2. If someone saw naked pics of me, maybe they’d auto think that I ‘provide’ such things in my ‘sessions’ ~ And that’s so not mentally stimulating for me. Again, I had no idea I’m talking with…Mostly…. Sad numbers. That can NEVER GET A FUCK. I’ve been used to IMAGINE THINGS in their <heads> MY WHOLE LIFE. ### Now if I post stuff like this online, I don’t even know why, to prove I’m real?? (it’s you, not me, honey, if I we’re still stuck @ this step where I have to constantly prove myself. YES I am real. I am the only one who posts stuff online on all my accounts/profiles. How humiliating…)

:-< Screenshot to show that Yes, I am active online, why do I need to do this? To prove… I mean….Isn’t it OBVIOUS? How can some of you ‘not see’. Game of chess with pieces made out of hard shit ~ the type that comes out when you’ve been constipated for a week or more. [/rant]

~ Beings are paid HARD Ca$h to [attempt to] make me HATE myself (especially my ass) over and over again, the more I realize from these topics, the more disgusted I become. Insert_whatever_shit_and_even_conspiracies_here. Yeah.

~ I don’t want or care if you/anyone (ANYONE, do you understand what this means?) likes my ass or not, I was brainwashed that “Backdoor Man” means 1 thing mainly, and regardless of how much I learn about translations & the loss of (continuum) Sense when Evil plays them around (bad wheels) ! ~~~ I still think something Putrid is afloat.

My trauma revolves around shit like this, I never had a real chance to even attempt to heal myself from Other’s (bad) choices.

N-I-G-H-T-M-A-R-E!

Meiou Project Zeorymer

Hades Project Zeorymer

Anime I found https://myanimelist.net/anime/1832/Meiou_Project_Zeorymer ~ because I saw something featured in one of the mobile games I play, Iron Saga (really like it, btw) ~ Even if nowadays most games seem a bit haunted too, the way that I’ve interacted with each and every one I played in the past months is pretty unique, and no, I don’t get upset when they tell me certain things, it’s just a bit awkward. {From the ‘make space’ category of shit decided by stupid fools}. 4 Episodes only, will give it a watch soon. (Fuck, why do I feel so afraid to share thoughts like these: what I plan to do/ what I’m about to do, etc?). A humming sounds said: I am not allowed to be Fascinated by anything. Oh, yeah, master ****, it’s me, not you, who lives in ‘this’ reality, maybe in a different SOMETHING (Place without a place NESW Fuck) You Would Hear Me Differently. The more I learn about myself, the more I see how I am not wrong, have not been wrong, regardless of apparences. And the currents that dictate certain flavors or intercepted data for constructio(n) of ‘other stuff’ ~ Is, by design, (meant to be) Flawed, otherwise, it wouldn’t ‘make sense’, not even to the most dumb followers of the ‘Failed Hailed One’. Still not allowed to Express MySELF, the more I learn, the ‘closer’ I get to some of you, the more OTHERS try to speak Through me, In WRONG ways. So…