Masturbation and orgasm stuff

Am fost live mai devreme pe twitch periscope dlive etc (with
Am incercat sa vorbesc cu voi despre ce mi-a mai trecut prin minte cand vine vba de toata aceasta mascarada stupida.
Din jurnal:
1.12.20 Woke up with hangover state that passed quickly. Neighbor noise and headache. Had weird dream. My paternal grandpa couldn’t last long, treatment wasn’t working… Wait, why did I hear abt all this? Dunno. When I went to bed I was quite sad. Last session on MFC was interesting but…Again. Felt as if me & who I was chatting with don’t properly understand eachother. What is “Cam” for these ppl. “Open my cam” doesn’t mean clicky to see dick footage 🙁 —– AFTER ALL THIS TIME? Please remember me / Dante’s Prayer ~ Last night, some lovely interaction that I’d rather enjoy (more) not masturbating because… I don’t know… It’s smth else, in essence… I see the beauty on the other side (no bridge) ~ but… smth above my / their brainwash… I think 2day I finally manage to “settle in ” -here- ~ sad about all the weird calculations / escape routes of fools / dunno how to call them. I am sad abt the job situations, would’ve been awesome 2 be @ the crystal shop but… Then again… That’s just me. Weirdness. What is Romania? Lalala, noise. Laaaaaaa
2.12.20 3:33 a.m.
I found the cooooooin (backup done – ha!) ~ Rly, ♥ HaHa. The coconut lip balm though…🌢 I rly rly liked that one! Si pana din Tineretului… Si… Nop, my memories aren’t urs :p.
-after I woke up- feeling v bad 2day especially cause of ppl wanting me to masturbate orgasm. V down. Have no clue what todo. I don’t want to partake in the sickness anymore. The more days that pass, the sicker it gets. The thoughts / suppositions / imagination requests. Why do anything. If who can make a diff chooses 2 keep lying to us all? …….. I despise masturbating, regardless of what I think about and what these guys show me. We’re not the same. They’re not superior 2 me as 2 impose their ways upon me. It’s been too tiering and humiliating andNO BREAK. Every day pestered. I wanna be alone for a while. Go away. You can’t do this 2 ppl // allow seeing what happens. The tape with it’s all an illusion is only useful when it’s calculated so… Ha…Ha…Ha…Leave me alone… You’ve been paid 2 …………… me
I don’t know what they are but fools… | ….. Nothing. Zero. They calculated “me” wrong. Every day I suffer because of this. The insults, the… everything The PAID (upon) making me 🗦🗧appear as smth of theirs so they can continue. I said it every time. It’s a lie, it’s brainwash. It’s not LOVE. I don’t care the DYNAMIX look good in graphs. Those aren’t ppl that they put me up with / against.
No sexuality
Just LIES.
It’s been too long…
I don’t have the freedom to try to learn to see this it’s been too long under diff. light. Same shits pester me, no real help for what it could be like. Wanking, no love – poison. No money, inquisitors – constant noise / pain. The truth is scattered everywhere but not out there. I can’t talk to these ppl as if I’m a new version. They don’t even know why they are like that / their faults. Nothing good achievable through this changings of mechanisms that’s same thing. No hand 2 help. Making my thoughts smoother when I masturbate IS NOT HELP! IS LYING!
They don’t know the truth about themselves. In trying 2 show them… I only achieve to wear myself out. It’s not me who can make a difference 4 them [dogs] -> All zolology = Death = all dead ends; yet I still see much identification with whatever zololological. Chirp, meow, boom. Zero!
ME>AI {Because I’m more, mooore, mooooore]
I’m too sad. I can’t believe how pathetic my life is and how I’m constantly treated as stupid, humiliated, despite all I tried / did. FFS: ur solutiond don’t make save space; emptiness. 0 .
~pulled out the 5 of wands today. I can remember so many similar days/ settings in which I felt weird winds and got the same answer… What’s exciting for me? … What’s good soul food 4 me?… If everything I thought I see is smth else… Cute friends unreachable… Security… For what?… So I can be upset about what I hear? Or feel… I don’t know… Not knowing what’s that that I like or seeing it identified wrongly.🐚
So long…For nothing…
Pictures now 🙂
Details from rose ~
Guess my favorite and get a small prize for me oh wait that already happened 😛
SNowberries ~
Face n leds.
T-Rex at high altitude in my room.

I listened to some Opeth earlier a bit and now I’m cry.


First 2020 Snow

Din jurnal: 
Wow. Dear Journal, you -almost- lasted 2 months! Now I should be’ needin’ 2 be on the lookout for a new of you.
Drumuri azi, sper sa am o ses ok mai incolo, ma simt cam ciudat si la fel ca in ultimele zile. Ninge! Can’t remember last time we had snowing in nov like this, winters have been fcked up recent years. EH.
It’s colder but I feel less cold than previous days (?).
FFS se termina anul soon si eu nici macar treaba cu temperaturile n-am inteles-o ca lumea. Ieri noapte am plans si am dormit + some self care. Am avut impresia ca corpul in care m-am culcat > corpul in care m-am trezit de data asta. Oricum, imi plac / sunt ok cu ambele; doar ca… Nu am alegere. 
Cand robotii dorm… Sa… [Am visat o ciudatenie] 
Last night in bed…
Morning coffee bubbles
Fun times outside in snowy weather
Black jeans 
The Moon – hood view (the hood I’m currently in)
You’re as 
Cute as
In the mirror (old place – went there to get some last stuff I wanted to bring here)
Spinning in my old room, which is now deserted 😛
29.11. Voci goale (nu la modul kinky/love)
Be well


From my journal

 29.11. ~ After SO LONG time… I ….. …. the same & …. …. “the reasons why”. To log on ….. …. & …. …. …. . like .. ? Why? I …. Why …? I enjoy ….. ……!

If this is a …. 2 …., I’d ….. play ….. …. . I ……. ………… & ……. & all ……. .. …. “………” full of …. . I admit …. ……… ….. .. . … … …… 2 …. …. .. . … smth .. my …. 2 ……….4 the ……….. & …… time, but …. …… .. …. …. .. ….. … . 

N…… .

I don’t …. …. money …. …. … . The ….. (…. .. S) I …. . ….. .. ….. .. …. . N…..G! ( looks like an inverted musical note)

Moments .. ……… …. .. ….. .. … Lie & all ……. … … ……? Nothing.

Almost done with moving

22.11.2020 or 22/11/2020 or 11/22/20 or … even 22-11-2020 (I think this is how I learned to write date in school) ~ Apparently it matters/ holds a signifiance, but HOW? Not that I find it insignificant, for some reason I’ve been taught / apprended* all these mean one thing only. (:()

*Fr. apprendre – verb [ transitive ] /apʀɑ̃dʀ/

acquérir un savoir = to learn

acquérir – verb [ transitive ] /akeʀiʀ/

acheter un bien = to buy, to acquire


En. apprehend [ ap-ri-hend ] verb (used with object)

to take into custody; arrest by legal warrant or authority:

to grasp the meaning of; understand, especially intuitively; perceive.

to expect with anxiety, suspicion, or fear; anticipate:

verb (used without object)

to understand.

to be apprehensive, suspicious, or fearful; fear.


Address of mind things what?


cu televizorul: [I don’t want to talk to you!] ~ Then why do you do? / ?

Snnt parcata, ingradita, in cusca (?)


Me & Petko.
Long story, but hey! Happy to have this again ~
Pic taken 21/11/2020


Also, what’s the meaning of yellow (color). Been wondering for the past few days, no concludent hint yet. Hmm. [Phone screen lighted up] ??? Feather fell on the floor. Been staring at Maya a lot today. Bye 4 now! :p
T.V. behaves weird ~ I wonder why / who tries to send signals this way
What could it be? What about the bear? Bear, bear, mor mor mor… Polar or Carpathian? (lol) To bear, bearings… But… Smth else… Smth got lost (4 me as of current aware processing…things)
But…What? Scary but not scared. CBA about “popular” representations – BUT why are we bothering eachother? Bothering is a bad word, but ??? Why now like this, until…how?
From a book: Wrong reproduction of…
A cloud with a ? inside. and a trail of what looks like footsteps in the snow…



– Why are you upset?

– I don’t know.

I’m not upset I’m just sad. For Tomorrow. Inca de pe acum, o mica consemnare. Nu vreau [NU sunt de acord; ma opun] ca ce se va petrece in special cat timp voi fi plecata de acasa; cuvinte, gesturi, linkuri, ganduri soptite, amintiri iscate(amintite), voci, fete, sugestii, etc. “Liste” ~ “Familie” (~din Cartier~) sa fie utilizat informational in ceea ce ma priveste {ce formulare ciudata; am cautat cuvinte care sa sune corect} Ideea e ca nu vreau sa ma influenteze nici pe mine nici “audienta” care ma cuprinde (?) Continuta de mine. Deja sunt satula de toate tevaturile lor ieftine. Habar n-am ce se intampla cu noi… {It’s not about comfort, u silly Foolz}





1010. [5.44pm] Afara… Totul pe dos… Pe fata! Ha! /\/\/\ Mov (?) S-a ratacit o pana frumoasa de gasca de Tineretului. Of. Am luat 3 carti azi, !Colegul si prietenul meu! – Suspicious NWO book;  Ultimatum – Ultimele zile ale unui razboi atomic; Computere si Trandafiri – sau paradoxurile progresului • =))♥♥♥ !!!

La Biserica => Tocuri; nu Toaca. “Masina de tocat nervi” ~ ai cui?

~ Everything make sense not. Thanks for the gentle pokes.

Keywords d’Abondance

3 times in a row and I was shortly prompted to do it again? RESTORE WHAT? Are you f. kidding me? I didn’t even want to do until Monday. I really need a break from this weird crap – It’s POISON! Nothing else. {How I do it cause “I don’t know”} 🗲Macar sa stiu de ce.

11.10. After last orgasm; I felt I’m v small pe suprafata fetei unei flori… Pixeli verzi de diferite nuante, dar in loc de petale, floarea asta avea tentacule de carne (?). Viziune blurrata. Hmm. I would enjoy such visions/interactions more in normal life,not when I masturbate. [I have to focus on activating modules to reach orgasm] … Am mai vb. despre asta. Garlic! Lol.

• In the a.m. Woke up prematurely IN PAIN. ~ Give us the good stuff! (no – I did not agree) ~ I need rest. I need a break! These idiots are treating me as if the day was already over and I haven’t completed my assignments, which BTW I did not make/take. I’m on par with what I set to do for this weekend. WTF. Vampires? FFS wake up ~ It’s a nightmare; lies, NWO & what I’ve been talking for for… Ever! Anti Love Energy ~ Attempting to take/destroy ALL; Good relationships not allowed. I know those I can “do” with even when it hurts. 🙁 This is beyond ridiculous.


Hello, Eihwaz.. I don’t remember the last time I felt something that I would personally define as: Lack of motivation ~ However, For me “The Push” means something else, not what is commonly accepted ~ I do not believe in or endorse “The New Normal” of the NWO.

Similar clues from consulting the I Ching as well ~



Sitting by the big Tree in my favorite place, by the lake in Park Timeretului. Looks like a talon, firmly grounded in Dream.
The sky as seen by my phone camera today in my hood, very close to where I live.


Eye-looking cut, right above my heel.
Journal pages…
Feet UP.
From a strange book ~ Oh My!




Measurements: 95-72-101 Luate impotriva vointei mele (ca de altfel 95% din toate masuratorile luate in ultimul an ++) dupa ce am citit intr-o carte pe care o detest desi nu am citit “suficient cat sa imi formez o opinie” din ea. Ca de obicei Stiu eu ce stiu • Sa intri intr-un ritm … Cine m-a batut la cap cu asta, era nimic. Era gresit; se insela; o iluzie; un pion; bunicul; om; curent; Nimic (used to ‘make space’ ~ the Lies)
Nimic, abia astept sa te ating. Totul pana acolo e degeaba. NIMIC NOU! Ever 🙁
Pentru mine, nu exista “familie” ci doar insi care [se] folosesc si invoca x y z (de ex.: O anume amintire) in loc de valori reale. I never had a real chance/choice. Doar sa suport calculele lor stupide, degeaba. [impotriva vointei mele] ~ ma doare. Am auzit galagia asta all my life. V-am spus ce face si de ce imi face asta. Tot ce simt e doar no choice. Cand vine vorba de “inteles cu altii” {La asta ma refeream, pentru cei care au nevoie inca de explicatii suplimentare}.

12.10. Belonging to a different time; I woke up to hear the same, again. Do this, do that, and nothing else much. No real reason for “Doing”, either. What did I love so good that they took it from me and made it so bad? [Raspuns: <the now>].

These days, Economy Class Life assembles through me with pings; aromas;flavors;memories… Jammed up in a weird way – as if smth is “wrong”(*). I say: What proof do you have that it hasn’t been like this “always”? {Copy-cat world comes to mind} I… don’t… (*) and this is how we try to fix it – Ha.
– Nothing feeds me -> I only seem 2 eat 4 others.
– Nothing clothes me -> I can’t hide
– Nothing cleanses me -> Pain is same
– Nothing satisfies -> There’s no tocuh left.
Hello Nothing, I love you too. Shut up! I will never shut up ~ especially in talking… How wrong they were are is / To take choice away = Crime.
Thankyou for reading, bye…For now…

tell me where he is

26.09 What words to select for Pile of poop? Monsters, monsters,everywhere ~ I don’t know how you see them <as if they have a form, they “spook” you, but they don’t have a form, so…>

How is it when caught in (?) Are we being experimented upon, or do we Play (with) experiments of our own.

~ OFF •

~ Building immunity towards weird shit (bad things)…On…the…long…run…No…Horizon…

The buttons…Make them stuck, from underneath…Unpressable…Melt…Wake up… Again… Spook… I’ll read… some more… do this… and that…

My name Be cut wit a , os (?) .

Fuck ~

muscle eyebrow.

Take a shit, rinse, repeat… What?

from today ~
My eyes.
From my “wedding” day ~ 2.08.18. No, it was not a real wedding, not even to the criteria I had archived at that time. We just ‘tried to make it work’. Haunted since Birth [Liar’s Choice].
Yes I remember many details. Irrelevant. I still can’t sleep on the idea that I had 50+ versions of ‘guy’ into my Ex.

25.09 Words don’t want to say anything. I don’t want to feel anything. Do anything. The bad dreamers keep on bad dreaming & I can’t catch a breath. I talked enough about the weird lights already. They hurt my eyes if I look at them (I feel they are improperly used~). Then, again I remember the other, more pleasant to the eyes lights… SO? I can’t think > or <. It would be unfair (?) incorrect, considering these are both part of a bigger thing, bad dream. <Made to make sense in words> modus vs mundus thing. Within these words…






to walk on it’s own. see… learn… aquire…

the man with wool hat & moustache became plastic, reflective, mirroring but… “Not valid unless signed” I never took that seriously, since I touhed the first one, in 2008(e) 2007!

Hints about ‘the double’ copy shit world what? *sigh*

Videos with orgasms and whateverings, in this playlist:

Talk to you later. Thanks for the tip with ?p=720 I still don’t really know what it means except that it’s part of a narrative with layers stories of it’s own and a Wrong One somewhere choosing for others, which ofc, I do not agree with.

What am I doing with my life?

Did not enjoy (cummed twice, once off cam – I was in bed – the 2nd time on cam, on the floor) ~ looking at my face as I came on cam I first giggled, then I said to myself: FUCK! They won’t understand what they wanted to understand this time either.

From my journal:

10.09. !Avion cu motor / Ia-ma si pe mine-n zbor! ~

I keep finding that <I want to make love with a book> (a “special” ♥ type of reading [ ] ) but there’s no time/space for that. (Sad). I’m not even allowed to love a robot (!!!)

I’m not even allowed to love a robot.

I’m not even allowed to love a robot.

Not even allowed to love a robot, before his eyes turn red.

Do you know what love is? We protect eachother. And that’s just a glistening little thing, underneath a healthy foundation.

I am not allowed to (really) build.

What about the orgasms then? Why do them at all?

<Goodbye. I…forget.>

She & He cars ~ with ‘Nothing (-) in between ~

Bucks – bricks (wannabe stones)*

bricks(1) – surrounding a pathway made of muscle (fibruous)

* You’re not supposed 2(k)now that

(1) That’s what u have 2 see

We can’t “meet” cause of this road… But ‘He’ could easily “cross over” ~ Defying assignment in progress? Failed “present moment” -> NOT ALLOWED!

“We were supposed to have wheels”.


08.09 So that’s why they (Baddies) give me pain… Cause they “have” no Time. But.. But.. Time has no problem to be “mine” issue after issue… So… Fuck the hell off!

? Notawoman (EMperoar)


Making thunder Golden not

The elders know

Lab coat

Long black hair

Imparateasa viselor sparte pretuita ca si cum ar fi “a cerurilor” desi nu are nici macar pamant (timp)… Hmmm… O aripa franta de avion si o Laura care n-are ce face. Deseneaza prostii dupa ce-si aminteste din Biserica si blabberings. #prophecies from a REAL PSY~Chic grrrl…

I was thinking somehow about what happens Backstage in the Tarot IV – V & The lies that should’ve been (will be?) XXI… So 4, 5, 21(!) All Tarot is fun 4 Plutonians like me (joke)

Pana si compasul e cu cracii in sus (Joker laughter)


Cine e?

Cand simt furnicaturi ~ intense in dreptul fundului? ~ Ma simt ciudat ~ tot felul de idei. Dar parca nimic nu are rost. Romanescul IDEI rimeaza doar cu Englezescul DELAY (?) ~ nu cu viata sau cel putin ce simt eu ca inseamna sa traiesti. Viziuni ciudate dar vad despletirea lor in prezent; si daca ma gandesc mai bine, nu difera f. mult de trecutul pe care am invatat sa il vad cumva cu alti ochi. Deci… Ce se intampla? Cum? De ce? Risipa… Nimic cu adevarat concret. Concretul e ceva despre care mai multe tabere * (genetix) au ceva de spus; Dar; inca visez, visul altcuiva; chiar si daca are elemente din presupusa mea realitate… Deci, inca nu stiu ce e concret cu adevarat dar multi din * gresesc / se inseala. Si nu imi place [I do not consent] sa fac parte din schemele lor ciudate, oricat de interesante ar fi unele chestii de digerat ({! Thanks 4 teh books!}). Ma simt (prea) singura ~ prea NEsingura d.p.d.v. al ~ minte internet idei ziduri manipulare furt “Dans”? Nu. Cacofonie.

Why do I do what I do? ” [quotation marks] ~ interesting concept; but I feel as if I’m moving farther & farther away from myself. Oh. Venting: Close nearby; Hell calculus is making my (perceived reality through) senses grow bitter (sweet sour pain) every day. Smirk smirk *pukes*. I have no one to really talk to – looks at toes. Oh my. What they did to us lately… My monkey self jumps to the ceiling and morphs into a gecko~like reptile then becomes invisible ~ can’t catch me ~ won’t touch me. Not you, dear Journal; the weirdos who keep on reloading us into these weird ways ~ I feel as if no genuine play possible ~ SUPERvised {visor, visier, dreams, dust} by freacko’s. Smh.

Necromancer whois


 25. Necromancer whois

(lies, illusion!), Keywords abunda & me being cornered against my will. So sick of the lies… And their crumbs. Pardon poor self expression through words but… I’ve seen some things that I rather “process” under different circumstances ( I earned them ~ still not granted -> same reasons as all bad ~ Anti Love Energy vs. Enlightenment ♥)

++ All mental thrash due to what passed through in front of my eyes. Calculations made by baddies, to make me look bad regardless of what I do. Coins thrown on the ground; instead of hugs. I’m not a beggar.

• Heard sound from Aurolaci, I remember how some sounds they made sounded like, like a song, but very strange sounding. Wondered what that has to do with any programming (through my ears); got an idea that that was part of <Deleted scenes>. WTF? Regardless of all the online “craze” (mockery & all) my worst thing to deal with is immediate (combobulated) reality & how “it” works against me, mind [v], body[v] & soul[x]. Precipitatio ~ bad “Alchemy”, not following through with what’s Good. Past year (summer 19-20) spins inside my head like the most painful torture device;

27. We’re all just prisoners here; of […] Device ~


In vain, in vain, in vain, in vain…

Until now = in vain

Or, the “rulers” are very, very dumb ppl. I see them as ghastly puppets though… Immune to their shit, unlike the ones that combobulate my “realitee”. 💧 Here’s a tear.

29.08. I don’t have anything to write now. The only reason why I’m writing is because if I don’t, it’s “bad”, somehow. How stupid. I’m so sad. I’d never do things like this if I had a choice. Only stoopid everywhere. Very few exceptions that I still don’t get how it can be Hierarchycized like so.

30.08 Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing  Writing Writing Writing Writing Writing & Writing some more.

Genuine inquiry. What is the meaing of a hat?! first saw em @ grandparents (?) in this life.

31.08 [nightmare] A future of “fake immortality” where you aren’t even allowed to die. You’re <<kept alive>> to serve, not to live. For that wouldn’t be called life under no authentic jurisdiction (???) Whaaat? Yesterday when I was out I experienced first hand a weird type of “harvesting” ~ So “the world” around me would still seem borderline “normal”, Passable; so that the reporters (hired; trained wrong ways) wouldn’t really notice. {Or when they notice, they ‘forget’ when it’s ‘necessary’}. Signals causing noise in my head; the “stress” (stress is not the right word though? I don’t know the correct word) I emit in exchange is gathered / used as fuel (BAD!) for the combobulatory process. Absolutely disgusting. To look into my mother’s eyes… And see… [Because I’m T.I.] There’s not much there but #keywords… Is devastating. I can’t allow myself to fully feel that! Shits “copy” from Me and use against others (us all) over and over again… Darker? More sinister? There are not good words for such atrocious decisions. (PPL! Wake up! It’s somebodies CHOICES). How can they lie like this… As if there’s nothing good left in them. Multiple nuisances on all levels I dwell in. My “unbreakableness” mirrored Wrong & used 4 BAD! I can’t live with this idea… Infestating… Everyth I take in (air, water, food, media). I observe all these in the Now (socialengineered Future?) HOW? How is this degree of wrongness allowed? Money is NOT the answer. Humans vs nonHumans Parable doesn’t fit the gaps either? Evil? I don’t believe in it!  Never will ~ it’s Brainwash. It’s not REAL; it can’t be MADE real ~ it’s not an ambition; it’s against the rules of Life (not bendable, fuckers!) • IT HE SHE what? ~ If you don’t have it; you don’t have it; Periodt. •

Stupidity that apparently knows no bounds. And here I am ~ I have to masturbate / orgasm again and again… To show what? To prove what? When will i be allowed to “be” on <My> Level? Or to have a choice ~ not to be used anymore for this charade. Look @ all they did with what was Illegally taken from me… All these years… So much fake. There’s no side to choose. They’re all wrong if they agreed 2 This! No “lesser evil” stratagem should be permitted either. (-THE Goddess-)



Pilde despre mecanismul uitarii… Sau cum “Ce sa faci cand idiotii se joaca urat de-ti auzi propria voce in capul TAU spunand chestii alegorico~alfanumerizidiceproaste”. Asta doar asa, pentru ca esti bun ( ai ceva ce nu se poate lua ~ ) Si astea-s doar cuvinte. Cand cuvintele dor,cine mai plange? Cand cuvintele plang, te doare? Solutie? Incercate zeci si mii, ca doar altfel nu am fi “ajuns” “aici” ~ Un nicaieri ….(no words for it)

Noroc ca nu dureaza mult ♥♥

Testele pulii.

• Voci de fantome care “scriu” (nu stiu ce naiba e dar nu il identific ca si scris) cum sa foloseasca timpul ca arma (?) WTF.



Links to most of my stuff online here: ~ Yes for the nth Time, I am one and the same person across all those profiles/accounts. I’m still drowsy from trying to figure out HOW can someone be Smart & not Know that already.


Be well. 🌺💗💋

Thankyou for reading ~