Nu am nimic.

Nu am nimic


Thanks the Wayback Machine.

I could talk a lot in spoken or written words about my past experiences as a camgirl, cam model, whatever, but it’s useless 🙂
I used to have a blog for years, didn’t really care about it. A fost doar o tentativa, sa am si eu ceva. Fapturile de la care m-am inspirat faceau altceva, nu ce vedeam eu (nu e o scuza). Nu cautam sa invat, era despre vanzare, nu? Cei care au incercat sa fie prietenosi ~ thx ~ am fost si eu prietenoasa cu ei, mereu ‘not allowed’ de aceleasi limite/ziduri carora inca nu le gasesc sensul. Nimic nou!
Me in glasses.
Din jurnal:
21.02 Not moody or pessimistic. Just another day with a limited set of things to do, regardless of what I do, nothing good (really good) will happen so, in contradiction with the purpose of doing anything – I don’t wanna do anything. Penalized regardless. I don’t trust/rly like anyone. I talk to so many, but I have no one 2 rly talk to. Sick & tired of all “that’s opened” 2 me (it’s for nothing, no one learns – no proof, no one wins anyth – just time that passes degeaba, numbers that don’t do anything). I have no problems otherwise. ^^ Very, very, very & extremely sad! There’s nothing there but pain. My real healing can only start to occur after… <I don’t know> & there’s nothing I can do to help, influence the course of, make any change etc… I got no help, only used for • or • (sacks of grains ~ always filling somebody else’s pockets ~ ). knowing what that might be (I don’t) I’d have different stance (outcome from opinion). All in vain… Despise… I’ve been patient enough… Degeaba… I’m not used in a mechanism I agree with. I WOULD DO SOMETHING! All I do – unseen. Doesn’t count (no proof – ever – only dreamy things, not MY dream). Wanna know more about my dream ⟲… Healing…Mine! But “My real healing can only start to occur after..” And on and on again. Every day hurts. Doing anything hurts.I’m used! Not agreeing! Slept a lot but got no rest! (settings…shit…nothing…Nothing..)
💕Aching 4 love not blatant lies; ⟲ Tired of doing the same shit with no result but promises HaHa 🐟🐟🐟
Cuvinte “rele”:  Fiecare zi poate fi o bucurie daca <focus on what matters>. In viziunea mea, niciodata nu cotizam pentru altii cu care nu sunt de acord. Toti cei cu care sunt de acord suna de parca au aceeasi problema cu a mea, “nu putem face nimic” ⟲ Si oricat “dau” = 0; over & over again only the lies float on top ~ [Crude truths] – What’s been [i]proven[/i]. Iar cei cu care nu sunt de acord, nu conteaza!
As mai scrie, dar… Tot ce am scris pana acum (aici, blog)… Again & again… Makes sense the same… Anything new = Nothing new. No proof… Whispers of ignorants tell same stories, different ways of expression = nothing, rumegus, nothing. I have not seen one proof in lumea celor concludente ca sa imi vina sa  continui. Sa storc nu e sa dau de bunavoie, ceva nu e natural asa… Toate jurnalele/posturile/tot pana acum = degeaba. “Ei tot mor” 🙂
Vreau sa incerc orice abordare noua (cu adevarat noua nu recicland si ruland aceleasi kkturi altfel* nu e altfel, proven time after time. Months of Nothing – YT playlist) , dar ma lovesc de aceiasi tampiti + am tot facut asta pana acum. Makes no sense!
*[see the great reset conspiracy here too, agendaXXXX & related subjects ~ cause I’m #psychic ~ faptul ca sunt Psychic inseamna mai mult decat sa pun niste informatii pe categorii, vreau sa invat. Nimeni nu vrea sa invete cu adevarat, R Guy e mai sfios ca mine la capitolul asta. Imi pare rau R guy, nu am incredere in tine. Tot ce ai facut pana acum = degeaba ca si ce am facut eu dar aplicat la tine. Satula sa iti vad semnele, pentru ca nu duc nicaieri, tot ce primesc eu = insulte si umilinte, contrare naturii mele si scuzele cu T.. HaHa.. Scuzele cu T… si pe vremea cand eram mai proasta, aveam aceeasi parere. RE RE RE & nothing else! *sigh* Desigur, e dragut sa discutam, ador micile tale semne, dar nu asta caut, daca mi le trimiti gen dovezi, e rau. Daca e comunicare, e bine. Foarte destept dar prost in acelasi timp e IMPOSIBIL (My mind isi da duhul💥 trying to calculate{feel} this about you). Faptul ca eu nu pot sa simt ce inseamna pentru tine, e rau. Nu sunt lasata sa vad – Ok. N-am ce face. Deci degeaba. Nu pot sa ma gandesc la tine, sau sa ma indragostesc de tine {Vreau sa iubesc cu un scop, nu cai verzi pe pereti ca si pana acum!}, si ce optiuni ai tu, -ffs nu pot sa cred ca am ajuns sa discutam asa despre asta- E mult prea aiurea, iti alegi din ce aleg altii pentru tine nu e deloc alegere.].
Ei tot mor
Ei tot mor
Ei tot mor
I’m sorry but I can’t kill. (it’s not mine 2 take, even if illusion).

Podcast ~ Citesc din Filozofia Hermetica – Hermes Mercurius Trismegistus.


I got my mind set on you ~ Someone in my dream ~ not the dreams I’m dreaming when I sleep ~~~

But it’s gonna take money ~ Oh what is money, honey? Every month, my baby is killed. Not willing to try this route again!

A whole lotta spending money ~ To spend it on what? ♥ Hold hands and go someplace nice? I would dare to dream but they’re so scared! Scarred ..And all the healers are Asleep.
It’s gonna take plenty of money
To do it right child ~

It’s gonna take time

A whole lot of precious time ~ I’ve given all on this front. All. I’m still stuck here. The ticking goes faster or slower or what’s normal anyway… According to someone else’s Choice… Who? Not my mission to point it. It’s already known! {but you don’t sayanything}
It’s gonna take patience and time, ummm ~ I’ve given all there was To Give on this front! (It was never meant to be a front that way, you know?)
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child

DO IT RIGHT! If you need anything from me while they’re staring, it’s not right! ♥

I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
  ~ I crave something so similar too, you lie, lie, lie. You force me to lie.. Through Letters & symbols that You Know will be translated Wrong  where it matters.  

And this time I know it’s for real ~ How many times now? It’s humiliating for someone made out of what I’m made out of!

The feelings that I feel
I know if I put my mind to it
I know that I really can do it
~ Me too.

I got my mind set on you
Set on you
I got my mind set on you
Set on you


But = Zero. But I love this song!

R.E.M – Drive
Smack, crack, bushwhacked
Tie another one to your racks, baby
Hey kids, rock and roll
Nobody tells you where to go, baby
What if I ride? What if you walk?
What if you rock around the clock?
Tick-tock, tick-tock
What if you did? What if you walk?
What if you tried to get off, baby?
Hey, kids, where are you?
Nobody tells you what to do, baby
Hey kids, shake a leg
Maybe you’re crazy in the head, baby
Maybe you did, maybe you walked
Maybe you rocked around the clock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Maybe I ride, maybe you walk
Maybe I drive to get off, baby
Hey kids, shake a leg
Maybe you’re crazy in the head, baby
Ollie, ollie, ollie ollie ollie
Ollie ollie in come free, baby
Hey, kids, where are you?
Nobody tells you what to do, baby
Smack, crack, shack-a-lack
Tie another one to your backs, baby
Hey kids, rock and roll
Nobody tells you where to go, baby
Maybe you did, maybe you walk
Maybe you rock around the clock
Tick-tock, tick-tock
Maybe I ride, maybe you walk
Maybe I drive to get off, baby
Hey kids, where are you?
Nobody tells you what to do, baby
Hey kids, rock and roll
Nobody tells you where to go, baby, baby, baby

Articol nou.

It’s the only way, really? What I’m interested in is still hidden from me. Cheap tricks, annoying to me. 

Cut me off from what? I know I’d rather be cut off from this mess that I did not agree with (or to partake in) to begin with, with incomplete data as I had it before.. Bla bla.

Loved the view that night, but I got weird hints that it’s something like me masturbating thinking about stuff I don’t like, so I forgot the enjoyment quickly ~ smh
This was a greeting. 
Between this or “I piss on you”, saying back “Me too”, more than just breaking the 4th wall, was more fun.
I do appreciate my fans though, if only I could recognize them as well, otherwise, I’ve said it before, WE’RE ALL USED for SHIT.
I can’t just imagine you’re what the waves whisper or what my mind wants! Would be incorrect & unfair towards you.
Cute game.
Din jurnal: (am scris azi dupa ce m-am jucat Rift, faceam o invazie si am fost delogata aiurea, m-am relogat imediat si s-au intamplat iar ciudatenii. Macar de as intelege de ce. Ca asa de imaginat drame m-am saturat.)
15.02 “New page” ~ I don’t want a minion as a lover. Bla bla… I would’ve never allow a “minion” to make me feel, something that a lover/ guy that courts me* would do. It’s more than just confusing. We’re both used. 🙁 Forget… Die… I’m still here.
* I don’t want to be “courted”  now. Not until I understand precisely what happened… With no doubt left. It’s not a  leap of faith…
++ Dear whoever. I can’t enjoy your efforts when weirdos/ I don’t know who look at me, interpreting various things… I never agreed to such thing, said this before. Same shit as usual. Sometimes I feel that I’m caressing the thin line I NEED to cross over in order to understand, but I’m not allowed to really see, so we don’t get enlightened. 
Pain, nothingness, the feelies which don’t really stimulate me… Nu am chef sa ma duc iar in sect 2 sa aduc chestii… Vreau sa stau o zi in casa pt ca am tot umblat si nu imi place! Detest tot acum 🙂 
Dreamt of my ex again. Talking… I don’t like dreaming of him. Feel I didn’t learn anyth.. Just different view of same shit in “real life” 🙁
* Ninja turtle with red
* HARP shit in bus…felt pressure & weird switches in my head, around the trigger. Tests or discussions, I don’t know. Told him if I knew I talked to him too when I was with my ex (“through” my ex) nu l-as mai fi considerat atat de prost. Si am fi discutat chestii mai interesante poate la un alt nivel. Button (?). Nu am inteles. 
Annoyed I keep getting questions/situations about ex, other guys I fucked, thought of, or the Twitch guy. Meanwhile, I still don’t know what rly happened. V upset & not scared…Hm…Word…Not fearful… Can’t think about what I want to make order in my mind. + Spies. + No privacy. + Aparentele + Fufele/ Fufa sau ce naiba se intampla de ma insulta la fiecare pas cand ma “joc” si nici nu stiu cu cine (guy)… Keep getting hints about “the double” – I’m clueless about that too. Insulted & sad ~ Feeling used.
Saci de gunoi Magnetic – lol.
Daca nu imi spui doar pentru ca nu vrei sa auzi Nu-ul meu, nu stiu ce sa zic. Am motivele mele, nu? Ar trebui respectate. Mascarada asta tampita ma enerveaza, nu rezolva nimic, nimeni nu a invatat nimic nou cu adevarat (bun). Si Progres? Acumen. 



We hold the secret to a dream
We keep it wrapped in chains
Locked inside a mystery

We climb a stairway to the stars
Through doorways of the heart
Step inside the magic stars

Gaze into my crystal ball
See what lies behind the wall
Can’t you feel the wonder of it all
In my crystal ball

You veil your eyes in fantasy
Let’s pull the curtain back
Distant worlds, so much to see

Gaze into my Crystal Ball
Ssee what lies behind the wall
Can’t you feel the wonder of it all
In my crystal ball

I wanna know you, come on let me show you the way
I really wanna hold you, reach out to these hands of fate

I wanna know you, come on let me show you the way
I really wanna hold you, reach out to these hands of fate
This is the moment we’ve been waiting for, oh yeah

Gaze into my Crystal Ball
Ssee what lies behind the wall
Can’t you feel the wonder of it all
In my crystal ball

Au revoir!

Dream fragments and pictures

Din jurnal:

 Ce vreau eu nu e in lumea asta

05.02   (aproape sa scriu 03-lol). Sleep paralysis experience. Simt ca am dormit mai mult de 2 ore. ~ Eram in sect. 2, era noapte, ieseam din bloc (?) nu stiu unde ma duceam (la magazin – lol, ar fi trebuit sa fie inchise la ora aia). Poarta de la locul de joaca ptr. copii din spatele blocurilor… Ultima data cand am fost pe aici nu era asa (sentiment ciudat). Acum avea buton de deschidere automata, metalic. [Ciudat, desi mergeam in directia ↓ am deschis usa ↑]. Am v Was wandering , had a rolled cigarette. Am simtit ceva ciudat, m-am speriat – Am luat-o mai repede si am inchis usa in spatele meu. *spiral* Sleep paralisys state, I fell to the ground, pareau a fi saci de dormit acolo… O camera… Blurry… S-a napustit asupra mea un caine mare (a venit pe unde am venit si eu, pe masura ce se apropia simteam cum mi se intensifica ‘frica’ desi nu imi era frica. Ceva ciudat generat). Nu imi era frica de el pt ca stiam ca e cu stapanul… Parea un caine bun… <Sleep paralysis state>… Aware of environment…O camera ciudata cu o canapea. Stapanul cainelui, cu el pe canapea. Parea un tip dragut. I-am vazut corpul, fata, dar am simtit sa ii spun: Nu ma pot uita in ochii tai! Apoi mi s-a deformat vocea,de parca nu puteam controla ceva atat de natural ca vorbitul… Eerie atmosphere. I’am zis: ma doare cand se intampla asta… Parca trec dintr-o realitate in alta. (Ce s-a intamplat cand a venit el cu cainele. Ce legatura are asta cu timpul? A? ???). Mi-a zis… Ai invatat… Nicknameul tau… Felt weird.  Told him… Ishkira inseamna soim vanator… Vocea mea suna f. ciudat cand vorbeam. Nu imi gaseam tigara.S-a apropiat de mine, m-a apucat, detalii lipsa… Simteam ca parca ar vrea sa imi faca rau la cum ma apucase, I imagined 2 guys fighting, ziceam in sinea mea ceva de genul: Tu vrei sa ma bati, dar nu imi faci nimic? WTF? A inceput sa se metamorfozeze ciudat, nu il mai vedeam, si a vorbit pe o voce (nice audio effect) de Overlord, sea creature, metallic, electric… Imi amintesc ca mi-a zis… (Parca vroia sa ma traga in “dimensiunea lui”) Talk to you soon onboard… Am vazut aroma unor momente din trecut cu Stefan, parca il luam in brate, fara sa il iau in brate, ethereal… Veils of energy…Flowing…up & down… Am simtit impuls sa imi imaginez ceva SF/monstruos… Dar Stefan era trist… 😉 Am vizualizat o fata zambind cu pumnii inclestati, in fighting pose… Nu stiu de ce… Detalii furate… Nu imi pasa de fetele lor si ma enerveza zambetele false din reclame… Apoi… M-am trezit. Am inceput sa vorbesc in sinea mea incercand sa descifrez detalii din vis. Am auzit “You are the spaceship” ~ ceva ce a spus Occult Priestess. Nu stiu cine ce a inteles din treaba asta. Nu mi-a placut visul… Nici personajele… Nu stiu ce a fost… My issues are the same… Oare ce o fi insemnat “nu ma pot uita in ochii tai”… Dried paint falling on my journal page. Nu mai vreau sa am de-a face cu “lumea lor” asa… Vreau sa fac… Ce stiu eu sa fac si nu pot sa ma gandesc la… Sa visez la… Sa vorbesc… Cu sens.
21.32. Inca am de-a face cu lumea lor. Mi se da peste nas in “real time”. Tot nu inteleg the feelies. As prefera sa se opreasca. Mai ales daca e o “invitatie la masturbate” 🙁 ~ Aud ambele variante.
06.02.21 Ma simt aiurea, ghici de ce. Atat de umilitor sa trebuiasca sa ma gandesc la …*spiral* care nu  ma intereseaza d.p.d.v. sexual doar pt. ca… Alegerea altcuiva (+the no choice of others)
De atata timp
No (real) friend
No consolation (working!)
No coping for real.
Only a vast field of ppl, characters I don’t like, lies, double meanings. The sword not cutting where it should. No intimacy, truth shared between 2.
I hate/despise masturbating. I hate even more doing that for “work”, even more in public/free. If a guy has no problem with me doing that, I wouldn’t like him & I can’t live & function (~ optimal vs ideal -> depends on the level you see stuff from) WITHOUT 😉 ~ Default settings, hidden gifts. Treasure chest @ the bottom of the sea. Hate all their failed projects. I feel smth v simple (easy 2 process/apply) is Hidden, don’t know why (fear – I have no fear). Could change everyth & I’ve seen no signs of correctshit, quite the contrary. No communication – no honesty.
Hurts more cause they didn’t rly let me study the details I needed 2 understand +++ I harm myself with showing the brainwashed meanings – porn & sex stuff that has nothing 2 do with love in love language. Nobody is happy so how could they ever tell me I’m wrong/bad? I didn’t even get… bla bla service shit. No. Slavery. Can’t even choose the ones I’d roleplay that with. & For what? Totul e calculat ptr. distrugere/uzura/unhappiness. Imi e scarba cand le vad toate urmele sau ce naiba sunt cacaturile puse in propozitii care ar fi trebuit sa insemne ceva.
Simt ca n-am lasat nimic nespus si totusi daca … degeaba … atunci tot … degeaba….
Profunzimea durerii – combinatie de disrespect + intentie infundata. I can’t relax knowing I have no choice, this is sickness & sick ppl & I don’t know what else. Zero what I want. 🙁 RLY. I function in vain. I can’t live knowing this.
Ma inspira chestii ciudate si tot neinteleasa sunt 🙂
De ce mereu cand merg la Biserica trebuie sa se intample ceva?
Souvenirs from …
The crack of doom
A fairy door.
Ahahahahaha. Multumesc pentru instiintare.
Gif facut din autobuz (thx giphy!)
Daca te doare nu mai imi place.
As vrea sa inteleg de ce si cum te doare, ca tot n-am ce face.
Vremuri tulburi.
Latest whatevering session:
Thx for reading bye.
Megadeth – A Tout Le Monde Lyrics
Don’t remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it’d cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied
So as you read this know my friends
I’d love to stay with you all
Please smile when you think of me
My body’s gone that’s all
A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I’ll ever speak
And they’ll set me free
If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There’s nothing more to say
Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred.

I just want to DO something.



Orgasm: oribil, absolut degradant.

Shows in my MFC club:

Join for free with this voucher (if it’s been used, you can e-mail me for one if you’d like)


Din jurnal: 02.02.21. Sunt la Biserica. De cum am iesit din bloc, caini. Ciudat. Azi nici macar aici nu e liniste. Greu sa “meditez”. CRUCEA NU E DE DUS! Zic eu, cand aud despre cuvintele prin care au fost exprimate traditiile. Nu stiu ce nu a fost tradus corect. *spiral* ~ ca parte din mecanismul de indoctrinare/usage ~ nu pentru cresterea sufletelor. [Completitudine, Hello?] – Toate cuvintele dor mai devreme sau mai tarziu. Nimic nou. Nu mai suport. Totul e o bataie de joc. Zero sanse reale. Nu vreau sa “roleplay” cu astia. Luminile sunt stinse in biserica. Nu am mai gasit luminile aprinse nici aici nici la Capra de cand am simtit chestiile alea ciudate, beculete – luminite – altfel – capete de oameni 🙁 . Weird feels. I’m very upset. Parca am vorbit degeaba in tot timpul asta… Layerele ce au “cazut” au aratat numai ca era si mai rau/scarbos/gresit. (Chestie in proces de continua reactualizare se pare, in fiecare zi ma mai ‘uimeste’ ceva. Eu raman la toate rece). Folositi. Nu. Nu voi (hahaha) uita niciodata {“esenta” iubirea dorinta pura ♥ ⛈} dar… Nu mai suport sa traiesc insiropata in minciuna si nimic mai mult. Asta nu e Biserica – E Aprozar. – LOL! A trecut pe langa mine si nu m-a “vazut”! M-a inchis in biserica… Degeaba… Tot nu e Liniste. Ce legislatie? Aici e  “God’s Place” – Nici macar sa rad sau sa fiu Curioasa nu mai pot. Ca doar sunt invizibila, nu? Nu exist… Du-te Laura si masturbeaza-te… Hahahaha… Imi e sila de toate motivele etc. pt ca pana acum am simtit doar unpleasantness si secrete… Dialog sincer curmat scurt (repede). Deci… E o eroare serioasa de traducere/judecata… 



Link to something I posted on Tiktok with some recent Finds.

Am fost pana in Baicului (unde am stat la sfarsitul anului trecut) si am gasit niste chestii. Thanks! Weird choice of things to find! Chose em based on personal criteria. Afraid to use the word HOPE [meanings!] ~ 1st word I saw when I opened journal: Raped. Who is sick, and of what? What is sickness, really, not what I learned. See beyond. Ma aflu in aceeasi imposibilitate idioata de a nu ma gandi la ce vreau sa ma gandesc, same reasons. […] Totul scos din context. 0 diferente. Doar rau facut ca sa continuie cacatul.. Nimic altceva. This is not how we know eachother! {,pierduti prin toate povestile,} Si +++++ Sunt intr-un punct in care NU vreau sa ii cunosc pe altii pana nu inteleg exact anumite chestii importante pentru mine.  Secretismele pulii…

OMW to healing holes.
Don’t tell him he’s pretty.
Look, I found another pee stone.
Nu inteleg… (!) Daca m-as fi spalat pe maini, tot consum ar fi, nu?
Oricum, nu era.
Inger vazut din spate (scoarta de copac)
Oh, here I saw many things… A sad face… Nice armor.
Moon reflection in puddle..
Surface of the semi frozen lake…
I don’t know why this got my attention 🙂
Pod..Lac..In parcul 23 August (Arena Nationala ~)
Red and green markings on tree
For my amusement?
Sarma ghimpata.
From lovely recent finds
First I saw an insectoid type head, then 2 figures… Then I stopped looking.
Glow in the dark baby
I can see why I chose you, Markus!



Someone told me some things about some ‘workers’ today. I didn’t really understand (fully), I don’t want to judge. It’s not what it appears to be at first sight [for me], but then again, I wrote about this before. Workers to make up the noise ~around~ me, so… We can… Go on… Go… On… How…? Nobody is happy.

Thank you

Lots of weirdness ~ 

Water that boils slower, and also cools down slower, and other details..(where I’m about to move back)..

Pare ca a trecut mai putin timp, de ce? 

Vreau sa aleg cu cine stau de vorba inainte de somn.

So I can…


I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Watch you weave
Then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night
So I can, so I can
Keep track of the visions in my eyes.


Nothing else.

Din jurnal: Pain and humiliation. Nothing else. I just want to wake up from this nightmare. Nobody is genuine… html? Intentions… Get lost in the fog… All of them… Can’t believe my life is as is now, I hear excuses for everything, NOTHING is done, and I can’t even have ONE!
Thank you for reporting but I don’t know how to interpret it. I am Whole, in a different way than made up of all the things I receive hints about.
Sometimes I freak out because I feel as if you keep assuming wrong things about ME.
My feet 🙂
A view that put a smile on my face
Soft skin
Experimenting with ….
Please, once and for EVER. Understand. ‘Tipping’ me in the form or *that thing* IS NOT GOOD/Right/ correct. Only leads to 0. Nothing.
The more time passes the worse the lies get. I DON’T want to participate! Spirit guides would NEVER imply that I am Parked because I AM NOT A CAR. You’re damn stupid if after months you still choose 2 pester me with this empty shit. I AM NOT A CAR. Body as I have is not car 4 soul to make time travel. Only Zero I hear from u & ppl like u, it hurts me; I have nothing else in my life {For real SOUL growth}.
Someone chose this for me!!!
I can’t do anything, really.
Only waste time.
It’s not all a show. It’s shit.
U always gone in a timely manner, before another jerk showed up & isolated the room/screen so signal can’t be heard/seen.
0 chances; 0 choices.
I adapt to any situation.
But what has been served to me lately is not worthy of that word.


Sometimes I freak out because I feel as if you keep assuming wrong things about ME. Thank you for reporting but I don’t know how to interpret it. I am
  Whole, in a different way than made up of all the things I receive hints about.
New video:
Pee, shit, crystal, earbuds, quickie, whatever.
Got the suggestions in weird ways, as if my eyes were automaticly focusing on certain keywords around me, t e or what?
For who am I doing this?
I was asking for help {Writing in my journal, thinking about angels not money}
What are you Sponsoring me with?
How do you know that is what I seek/asked for?
I felt something more too
As if you care.
But that’s impossible.
How would I know?
Because of how I see the world around me with these eyes.
Only the lies persist.
Who orgasms where?
I am not happy.
But you don’t seem to be willing to understand my sadness either.
Well, It’s your own misery as well.
How will we ever heal?
I am totally not into group sex.
I am not poly {polyamorous}.
This doesn’t mean I dislike poly ppl.
*deep pain*
Same shit on repeat.
I can’t take this shit anymore.
Sponsor, I have nothing to have a life with, you are probably wasting ur resources, just as I waste my Time doing Anything I DO.
Please, fix ur shit.
No, not u.
~ We’re still talking through words ~
Long game?
Only losers.
I don’t want to talk to losers anymore.
There’s no Beta btw, zbang.
Nu, nu ma simt pedepsita.
Nu nu inca, ci deloc!
E doar stupid!
Si inseamna chestii de care eu habar nu am pe deasupra. Hi u smalldick, ur not a beta to me.
No alpha to be found just jerks.
(I looked Everywhere! Sorry cute buns.) ~ Noalpha, no beta. No alphabetaaay!

Thoughts from my diary

Weird mood. Weird sleep. Not in the mood for Anything that’s available to me. Same shit. Dunno what to write. I look back @ past months / year, and I can’t believe (my) life got to this … Nothing done, despite everything “we do”. 💧
Tot ce fac e degeaba. Nu imi place sa postez zilnic pe <retelele de socializare>, oricum nu stiu ce sunt cu adev. !!! Cand eu nici macar 1 Friend nu am / cu cine sa vorbesc , someone like me, ca de chestii prin care trece oricine sunt satula.  Umilitor de stupid…. Totul. {Cand am scris asta am avut iar parte de o interactiune cu cineva care Greseste, la cele mai fine niveluri, in oglinda, pe dos. Doar pentru ca mi se da cu ciocanul in cap si aud 1 (unuul) nu inseamna ca-s proasta sau ca trece orice prin mine cum mi s-a sugerat; Prin mine altii nu pot ‘intra’ cu adevarat, pe cand, cu orice alt corp (real – carne) interactionez eu, mereu trec nenumarati, si nu, nu vreau sa invat mai mute despre asta, pt ca e clar ceva gresit la mjloc, si doare…} ~ Am mai vorbit despre asta, totul… Degeaba… Cand intentia buna incepe sa fie detectabila, ceva nu este permis. DOARE ATAT DE TARE. Nu, nu am depresii, am depresiuni pe corp, si nimeni sa le exploreze (In afara de mine, dar, stii cat de ciudat e sa simt ca …Hmm.. Cuiva ii place cand fac eu anumite chestii… Dar nici nu stiu cine e… Ar putea crede orice ar auzi despre mine… Eu nu pot sa ii arat nimic / Vede ce e invatat sa vada in sistemul lui si dupa Configuratii… Ce aiurea… Atat de singuri… Niciodata singuri. Zero.
No words…
• My type (way) of Random… Better than any random random I’d random… while trying to keep up with… It’s Hell!
(real) Love is not Boring (ever).
Please, wake up, help me wake up or leave me alone… All I hear is No… The one that whispers in ur ears… is not real, not to mention Not a Woman, Haha.
I am. I’m tired of the same… No progress…It hurts too much… Tired of crying in vain… No real helping hand… Only Lies…. & hands caught in <not free>… I can live fine without cigarettes (smoking) it’s just that… I prefer spending time smoking & … or … than doing those things without smoking…. Like a friend who need not say anything… Nobody got us right yet…. Hurts so much…. What are you, when you’re not the tobacco that burns in my cigarette…Nothing? How unfortunate… Teach me how I can be like you… I’d rather be Nothing than this disgusting lie that my life has been this year… Nothing to learn
Nothing to do
Nothing to see
Nothing to love {You can’t love while… …} -> Not My Choice…. 😉 …..
Of course I know how to…. And it’s not a sample… Cause love is not a product… There is no money…. I don’t have where to refuge… Warm open arms, they told me that’s expensive. HaHaHaHaHaHaHa.
We are doomed.
Happy drowning!
⚝ Tot ce fac e degeaba. Astia ma umilesc cu kkturile lor X sau ce-o mai fi… E atat de aiurea sa aud anumite chestii… I was never allowed to get a real friend and when I get the “feels” : 1. I can’t even learn more bout what that means or simply Enjoy it. 2. Smth “quickly” happens so the good feeling vanishes or it gets out of tune; NIMIC. Nu invat nimic. Nu fac nimic. This is no life. Imi e scarba de tot. Cand ma gandesc la toate recomandarile lor, degeaba… De luni de zile… It’s SO BAD….
Me & Petko my cat.
{Thinking about my cat/whatever animal drinking water/eating, so I can access modules and Stimulate triggers or WHATEVER THAT IS that happens, so I get an orgasm, while  masturbating.. It’s SO HUMILIATING for me, I KNOW (but not how) this sort of thing can’t be Healthy sexuality for us… I feel sooooo bad I’m doing that; It was suggested to me that ‘I get a tip’ from a guy, or ?? when I can access certain modules easier in my mind, as I masturbate… That’s so confusing…. And again, I don’t think this is healthy/good sex stuff. *sigh* ~ After SO LONG TIME -more imho than was needed to process data about this- nobody seems to really get it or do Anything! All I hear is… Come….Come….Or….Nothing,,,, It’s all Nothing for me… While every aspect of my life goes more and more bad & humiliating…. What is time anyway…. We always forget…}
Take care.

The weirdest dream

8.12. Almost 5 AM! Had the weirdest dream !Whoa! “woke up” in the dream being fucked (spoon) by a guy that was asleep. He seemed older than me & there was smth unpleasant about him. His dick was penetrating me weirdly, as if his body wasn’t even moving. V fast fucking & it felt so odd. “like the best sex that’s also the worst” – A RAPE! I felt raped. However, I thought… Hey, it’s for a reason… So I started visualizing (similar to what I do when I masturbate). I saw his dick as a fabric, with 4 corners coming close to the middle… The feeling was extatic … And it’s not that I didn’t allow myself to enjoy it… But… I felt raped (???)…. So a dream within a dream (within a dream) I screamed… And stopped that thing. He woke up & morphed into smth more familiar… We got out… 
Opened it to reveal a beautiful, wonderful dress… Silvery with shiny snowflakes. I couldn’t wait to try it on [Lol]
•Woke up weird / stupefied, but had a feeling of love when I thought about that dress. Like a message of sorts. What could it be? In this dream… I felt invaded. On one hand… Someone (if only I knew WHO) was trying to tell me something; but also invaded by creeps & their opinions on sex & pleasure; Something weirdly wrong… If only I knew what… A most dubious dream ♥♥♥
Afara ninge frumos…
in the p.m. Sunt suparata. De prea multe oriam auzit clar cum ticaiturile ceasului sunt mai rapide decat ar trebui. Nu stiu de ce (nu cred ca vreau sa stiu) dar sunt sigura ca are ceva de-a face cu “mine” [viata], Matilda, + alte dubiosenii.
Mac-Mac, sau Quack-quack






View from balcony.


What was I thinking?





My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To half the Kingdom, baby, tell me why?
My oh my do you wanna say goodbye?
To rule a country, baby, you and I?
So sad… Just lies… And so little in between… Hidden… By whom? From who? Till when?
Mai da-mi putin timp…
Dar eu nu stiu cum sa fac asta(?)
Sa traiesc in zadar inseamna ca iti dau tie timp?
Cine esti tu, oricum.
Si cum sa te respect, cand totul e ascuns stupid…
Nu pot sa fac nimic cu adevarat.
Si tot ce fac e degeaba..
💋 – Oh, ce ti-as face.
Sa te prind n-am cum, caci nu sunt intinderi carora sa la mai zic “Drum”…



Ochi imi zambesc din umbra
~ A guy mentioned this place where I go to for interesting affordable book finds even before I found it. Again, makes me wonder about time, space and how certain people talk around me / what I hear.
Thank you for this wonderful Instagram combobulation.
Am privit..
Am ascultat..
Am visat ca sunt si eu asa.
In days like these, I keep thinking how the brainwash [!Education! with “] I’ve been subjected to is thicker than I know or can see. Hands…Hands…What are hands… What do they mean for… Wait, WHO are they?… I don’t want to disrespect or improperly categorize; Oh, you do not wish to be categorized, but look, how we communicate through words, here, so… Something does that to us already… What’s between my hands? What’s a pinch, cause I can make myself feel some more or less pleasant ones… Every time I chat with friendly peeps online as of late, I keep feeling how THEY KNOW SOMETHING I DON’T and at the same time we’re clueless on both sides about certain things…
A…hand…? ..H…How?
When I drew that, I thought about a sort of separation, something that has to do with M/F stuff. Not able to really kiss. (Makes me sad).
4.12. *2nd time I go to the park and ‘lose’ a feather.
Gasesc produsul cautat la produse care nu erau nici ele pe lista – Thanks!
-so weird- HA!
Fac prima supa de cand m-am mutat aici. Ma simt cam aiurea,din cauza ca… Bla bla… Ce-o sa fac mai incolo… Alte chestii imi plac. Nice book finds, again. Last night before falling asleep I was speaking (sleeping) in my mind and I felt listened [to]. Understood? I’m not sure. Today somebody without a body told me through a line in a book I was looking @ that… He (?) told me more about himself than he wanted to. ??? Hello, Mr. I’m still clueless. Tongues – Missunderstandments – The nothingness continues. {Why do I feel the ticking of the clock louder sometimes?}
Oh, hat is it? How should I interpret “the feels”? I still don’t know…Enjoy… ENJOI… OI!!!