I have no words anymore.

 ~ When they want me to imagine ~whatever/faces/celebrities/etc~ that’s not love ~ Thats not me experiencing something else {experiencing the BeLovedness through ipostaze ;)} but the BRAINWASH of the False teachers {memories from my past~not my unhealed psyche, idiots} aka bad limited incomplete and plafonat, iluzoriu, degeaba, dead end, zambetele care nu inseamna nici fericire nici sanatate. Masturbated earlier, was horrible. Made some inquires, got only more confusion. I suspect everything at this point on the psychic telly, key is not in these terms, never will be. Ceva defunct. That’s why. Antiteza, I want to break free – Who wants to live forever. NOT MY mess to solve si nu pentru ca sunt L, repet, ati fost mintiti,eu sunt in continuare mintita in fiecare zi/clipire, mersi ca imi arati ce rezultat primesti dar nu e corect. Ia-l pe S si du-te eu nu vreau sa am NIMIC de-a face cu nimeni care are astfel de scuze si nu e vba ca nu am rabdare. Nu vreau sa mai continui astia isi bat joc de mine si nimic mai mult asa ceva innebuneste pe oricine e dovedit stiintifc. Nu sunt aici ca sa testez limite sa faceti noi tipuri de potiuni ca sa ii folositi pe altii doar asta am vazut in ultimii ani accelerat din 2018 incoace ma doare prea rau nu am nimic de facut nimeni nu vorbeste cu adevarat. Cei care vb = ceva casual, despre amintiri, si unii se mai si prefac ca sunt altceva ce nu le-as permite niciodata sa fie (aproape de mine) ~ Nu mai suport

ma simt violata non stop. Eu, nu parti din mine. Eu toata! Cand ma prefac ca nu vad e doar pentru bilantul intern, supravietuire, parametri, etc Sunt mult prea trista nu mai vreau sa ii aud. In fiecare zi doar asta aud. Nu ai cum sa iti bati joc asa de ‘nevoile’ unui suflet. Nu stimularea imaginatiei e combustibil(combustibilul la care ma refeream), aia pot sa o fac si singura [parmetri].. M-am saturat, fiecare zi e un cosmar sau un cacat deghizat si nimic mai mult. Nu mai suport. ALL ZOLOLOGY = DEATH. Daca T nu te lasa sa vezi, NU E VINA MEA, NIMIC din ce as putea eu face vreodata nu poate face nici o diferenta. NU ma intereseaza Superman ca Ubermensch. Nu mai vreau sa continui filosofeala fara de respect pentru nimeni. Daca e un bug, rezolva-l si apoi vorbim. Ce mi se intampla nu ar trebui sa se intample punct.

30.01.21. Nu stiu ce sa scriu. Nu mai suport sa vad copii pe strada (Nu stiu ce sunt)… Copii si pungi de cumparaturi. Un el care face copii cu alta … ??? (Ce treaba sa am eu cu el? Sa il ajut? Voi sunteti seriosi? Ce poveste de kkt e asta prostie si victimizare) *** M-ar lasa dracului in pace daca ar fi pe bune*** Cineva care “trebuie salvat” ~ salvage… scraps… Imitatie… Imprumut vs. furt (politia nu face nimic) _ Masti si iar masti… An avalanche of clothes. What drives me; what I seek… Perverted… Speak the language of love… Am invatat pasi mici sa gandesc in scene pornografice… Ceva nu e Truth la treaba asta… Continuum… Harvest… Not death… Same thing as before… lies… Masks… Disturbed – The sound of silence.

Pierd timpul

Reading the titles of my Youtube videos:
πŸ‘‡

Pierd timpul…
#GoddessAzra #talking !do not miss!
πŸ‘‡
~

If that ‘bird’ teaches you wrong and then nobody wants to hear your “song” but you can’t afford to STOP because you gave your all to learn that very thing, and now it’s your ‘Mission’ , dear Antithesis man, what’s next? Sooner or later (Time), nobody wants to hear you anymore. I knew since I first heard it that something’s wrong, nobody listened. (It was my fault pentru MICIMEA MEA, nu se vede bine de unde sunt eu, yet after so much time and experiments, they still didn’t find FULL way to prove I was/am wrong. BECAUSE I’m not, yet still, nobody seems to believe me, who does is hiding, ‘slave’ mentality & behavior.) ~ NU MAI SUPORT.

Libra, by Johfra Bosschart

Iubesc arta asta dar nu pot trai analizand cum totul e pe dos si cei care cred ca suntem pe drumul cel bun sunt programati sa raneasca la cea mai mica abatere de la unda. Ce am vazut eu a fost prost interpretat drept IDEALIST, pentru ca doar asa se poate traduce in cifre. Fiecare minciuna = ceva care nu este necesar. La fiecare intalnire cu Minciuna, adevarul este tinut ascuns, a alegerea cuiva, adevarata vindecare nu este posibila! Vindecare pe layere – voi cei mai destepti ar trebui deja sa stiti de ce nu a functionat. Nu, cheia nu e sa editati iar si iar, sperand. NU aveti date clare (a sti) / nu este o simulare Ati fost oare programati sa nu care cumva sa ‘question your own programming?’ ~

Gustave Dore – Enigma
din lift
πŸ’‹

Care parte din NU IMI PLACE SA O FREC nu intelegi?

Podcast:Β https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Vorbesc-si-citesc-epha8q

Nu am chef sa scriu. Inainte sa adorm azi-dimineata, am simtit ceva ciudat si ma gandeam… Dar nu puteam sa simt sensul,directia, WTF. Am I falling down or floating with my back up ~ foarte ciudat.

lalalalalaaa

degeaba

:*

Pa

Aaa

stai sa caut un cantec sa dea bine

ca e naspa daca nu ii please pe aia (SORRY DAR I HAD ENOUGH – TOO LONG – ZERO RESULTS

~ Era o vreme cand imi placea muzica ~

Si acum mai cant cu placere din cand in cand.Β  Dar daca nici macar o zi linistita nu pot avea, cand vad cum totul este o bataie de joc la adresa a ce conteaza cu adevarat. CONFORM CU TOT. Ce cauti cu scuzele tale AICI? Altii nu au scuze si nu ma pot gasi. DE CE? Ce s-ar intampla DACA? A TRECUT PREA MULT TIMP! Care e faza? Momentul prezent este o binecuvantare doar cand e convenabil la calcule, am mai zis asta de n ori. Nu am parte de el πŸ™‚ Ma tot lovesc de ‘omul’ antiteza ~ WTFFFFFF

There’s so much to do, I can’t sit and watch this SHITshow anymore Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ~

Dar ce e totul oricum πŸ™‚ Eu cand puneam /// insemna o zgarietura jucausa.)

I don’t like Eddie\
I like the radio,
some chords,
Some aspects of the singers voice.
Cand vine vba de my ex Ed, nu il vreau inapoi, nu sunt suparata, nu vreau sa mai am de-a face cu nici un fost, astia ma terorizeaza si nu inteleg de ce, dupa atata vreme, WTF. Nu mi-a placut ce am facut oricum nu mai tinΒ  minte, mi-a placut de tine dar nu as vrea nimic inapoi. Ai plecat si mi-ai zis sa plec. N-ai zis nimic ~ Numai aiureli.
Astia isi bat joc de mine cu COME BACKUL pulli… Dar dupa atata timp nu s-a inteles de ce, doar ca sa mai continuam cacatul asta… IncaΒ  … amountof insert_preffered_segmentoftime_here
HAI PA.
PS: Nu imi place sa scriu despre fosti si nici sa ma gandesc la situatiile din trecut / nu inteleg nimic nou ci nu suport totul din ce in ce mai mult cand vad cata prostie…. In …. Nicinustiucee.

Finds

Hey..

Link to something I posted on Tiktok with some recent Finds.

Am fost pana in Baicului (unde am stat la sfarsitul anului trecut) si am gasit niste chestii. Thanks! Weird choice of things to find! Chose em based on personal criteria. Afraid to use the word HOPE [meanings!] ~ 1st word I saw when I opened journal: Raped. Who is sick, and of what? What is sickness, really, not what I learned. See beyond. Ma aflu in aceeasi imposibilitate idioata de a nu ma gandi la ce vreau sa ma gandesc, same reasons. […] Totul scos din context. 0 diferente. Doar rau facut ca sa continuie cacatul.. Nimic altceva. This is not how we know eachother! {,pierduti prin toate povestile,} Si +++++ Sunt intr-un punct in care NU vreau sa ii cunosc pe altii pana nu inteleg exact anumite chestii importante pentru mine.  Secretismele pulii…

β˜™β€οΈβ§
OMW to healing holes.
Fascinating.
Don’t tell him he’s pretty.
Look, I found another pee stone.
Nu inteleg… (!) Daca m-as fi spalat pe maini, tot consum ar fi, nu?
Oricum, nu era.
Snow…
Inger vazut din spate (scoarta de copac)
Oh, here I saw many things… A sad face… Nice armor.
Moon reflection in puddle..
Surface of the semi frozen lake…
β˜…
I don’t know why this got my attention πŸ™‚
Aaaaaaaaaaaa!
Pod..Lac..In parcul 23 August (Arena Nationala ~)
Red and green markings on tree
For my amusement?
Ivy…
Sarma ghimpata.
:))
From lovely recent finds
β™₯
πŸ‘
First I saw an insectoid type head, then 2 figures… Then I stopped looking.
Glow in the dark baby
I can see why I chose you, Markus!
~

From within

I need to be cleansed
It’s time to make amends
For all of the fun
The damage is done
And I feel diseased
I’m down on my knees
And I need forgiveness
Someone to bear witness
To the goodness within
Beneath the sin
Although I may flirt
With all kinds of dirt
To the point of disease
Now I want release
From all this decay
Take it away
And somewhere
There’s someone who cares
With a heart of gold
To have and to hold
Deftones – To have and to hold (lyrics from metrolyrics.com)
~
Poze:
Chrysoprase on hand.
If only…
I saw something familiar.
Melting strawberry vanilla lollipop.
Look at them holes.
β™₯

Din jurnal:

22.1.2021 Same. Shit. Pain. Prompts to masturbate / orgasm. Nu am nici macar 1 motiv. Chestia aia cu mancarea eΒ  o minciuna – Nu imi pasa a cui. Nu e datoria mea sa dezleg acest mister. Nu am de ce sa mai fac lucrurile ca inainte. Nu vreau sa maiΒ  postez online, n-are nici un sens. Pot sa vb. cu mine si altfel – Toate motivele pt. care o faceam inainte = minciuni sau parti din minciuni si mai mari. Nu am cu cine sa vb. oricum. Daca as fi vazut o (una,1) SINGURA diferenta pana acum, as avea alta atitudine. Toate motivele pe care le aud = gresite, care duc la greseli (chestii rele – degeaba = rau!), sau same as before – nothing. Nu am nimic de zis / aratat mai mult decat tot ce mi-a fost luat deja cu forta. Nu conteaza pt. mine cine e responsabil, pt. ca nimeni nu a fost cu adev. sincer/deschis, fara scuze. Ultima sesiune de orgasme a fost oribila. Imi e scarba de gandurile alea. Zero orice benefic oricui, indif. de iluzia pe care o “alege”. Tot ce aud in cont. = NU. NU. NU. Nu am cum sa mai continui, pt. nimeni, in special daca aleg “scuza”. Detest tot ce simt daca nu stiu ce e in punctul asta. De prea mult timp zic aceleasi chestii. Degeaba. Nu de dovezi am nevoie (Pt. ce?). _Altceva.Β o (una,1) SINGURA diferentaΒ ~ E Altceva..! Si ar fi suficient. Fara? Zero. Nu, ms!
Orice fac, I feel bad, si nu conteaza any form of fake shit automated praise or whatever shiny. Daca tot ce gasesc e altceva de facut, NU! Am zis cum am putut si e imposibil de pus in cuvinte… I need a break… A real one… A REAL one… Nu minciuni ca pana acum. Nu mai vreau sa ma simt exploatata / mintita. Nici o scuza nu e nu e cu adev. adev… Deci nu pot lua in serios toate variantele care mi se arata si nu pot sa traiesc fara sa iau macar ceva in serios. Nu am cerut imposibilul ci doar strictul necesar. Nu sunt depresiva, tristetea mea a altceva… Azi… Cacat… Maine… Bleah! Aaaaa! DETEST, si, imi fac rau toate cacaturile la care ma gandesc ca sa “ajung la” orgasm. Ma doare. E prea mult timp tot, mi-am facut rau prea mult… Satula de toate fetele/minciunile. (Twisted partial truths = LIES) πŸ™
Tot ce aud la psychic tel = SHIT, ppl that I don’t want 2 talk to [ I NEVER seen a True Hero in my life!]. E din setari, cine nu a inteles pana acum, nu are cum… Niciodata nu mi-ar face rau.. Cine stie ce se intampla cu adevarat. Si niciodata nu mi-ar cere sa imi fac rau fara macar un motiv clar… {Ala cu educatia e o minciuna/ motiv: nici voi nu stiti de ce faceti ce vi se cere, pe toate nivelurile unde e intalnita chestia asta, si nu pt ca sunt L – adica nu e pt. ca nu vad corect la nivelul meu – Nu ma intereseaza ca nu am ‘dovezi’, ca si pana acum, niciodata nu insist fara motiv cand doare ceva…Tot ce aud e acelasi NU. NU de la mine capeti ce esti programat sa ai nevoie eu nu sunt programata cu Menirea mea. Stiu ca nu intelegi, dar te rog, intelege, NU vreau sa te mai aud, nu vreau sa mai avem nimic in comun, nu vreau sa mai vorbim, nu tu esti cel pe care il caut si nu ai nici o legatura cu el, indiferent de tot ce vad. NU vad decat minciuunile lor oricum. Sau ale celorlalti, sau ale… Cui? =)}. Degeaba, tot. Degeaba traiesc. M-au mintit cu tot, si aparent tot ce vor de la mine e sa imi fac rau si sa mint [FIECARE ORGASM E O MINCIUNA!] -aici poate ca nu vad corect din cuza nivelului la care sunt dar am calculat deja in ce conteaza pentru voi si imi da mereu cu Eroare, deci nu asa treb sa fac lucrurile – tot ce fac e sa imi fac mie si altora rau asa. Nu asta e solutia ci setarile alora, Nimic ce sta in puterea alegerilor mele mici, pentru ca, repet, nu am nici macar o alegere reala. Adica ceva care chiar sa schimbe ceva. Desi sunt cine sunt! This is too stupid to calculate over and over in search for possible whateveryourewastingurtimeon to ‘save others’ or ‘help’. ALL SHIT HERE! ALL. Till the end of time πŸ™‚ 1234 to you too! I have no idea what that means for you.Β 
23.01.21 Ma simt groaznic.
Am visat ca o fata de care nu imi placea (don’t care bout the reason – avea un aer similar cu superioara mea de cand am lucrat la Dodo) _ Facea o schema, din care eu am inteles ca Nume ex: Andrei, Alex, Razvan, etc (nume de baieti cu care am avut_whatever) were feeding into something like a TREE
>——–< . Nu am inteles exact. Makes me sad; makes all I said till now even more “valid” (if that’s even possible – lol). ADICA: Nu vreau, nu ma intereseaza, nu sunt de acord, Ceva e f. (!_ gresit chiar daca nu vad exact ce_ Nu suntem pe drumul cel bun, nu e nimic de reparat la >——–< “configuratie” [Si sunt sigura ca nu spun asta aiurea desi nu am inteles exact – Simt]. E din setari. Ceva gresit cu care nu vreau sa am de-a face DELOC – cum nu am vrut nici in Trecut si nu a contat de ce niciodata si parca nimeni nu m-a ascultat πŸ™ ! Toata viata m-au chinuit din cazua ca nu au inteles DE CE ul. Nu e ceva unde eu sa pot face nimic nu e domeniul meu n-am nici o alegere 24/7 RAPEDΒ = Me… Nimic altceva. Imi e scarba de tot. Nimic autentic, nimic bun prietenos etc “aproape”. Stuck here not because of me or anyth I did… Nu pot sa stau de vorba cu cine vreau, unde simt ca e benefic pt ca “vorbitorii” se schimba mereu dupa calculele altora (care GRESESC! LIARS). -> Because of them (it’s an arrow not blaming) NOW I only see CLOCK faces and their FECES. NOTHING good anymore. πŸ’”
Aplicatiile alea nu inseamna nimic. – nu am invatat nimic – Tot ce am facut = umilinta si timp pierdut si cacact cu durere (a mea / a altora). Zero altceva. Minciuni layered cake. Zero altceva. Sufletul se pierde printre minciuni. Solul meu fertil nu a fost niciodata inteles _ Menire. Nu ai cum sa schimbi sau sa furi. Cuvintele dor. Tot ce fac astia eΒ  sa ceara. Eu am cerut un singur lucru si nu sa mi-l faca ei. Mut.

* De multe ori am visat (cosmar) ca nu puteam vorbi, ceva similar cu imaginea asta din Matrix. Nu, nu m-a marcat sau ceva, si era chiar mai rau in visele mele, acea pelicula era ff tight si nu se desprindea in mai multe fasii – Foarte chinuitor.

Mi-au aratat ca nu ma aude nimeni. Nightmare si nimic altceva; sistem automatizat de muls vaci invizibile :). Zero altceva.  Te uiti in oglinda si tot ce vezi sunt minciuni neadevaruri si timp pierdut.✝
Am facut imaginea asta in Glitchlab.

Ramai cu bine, oricum nu stiu cine esti. πŸ’‹

Podcast + song

 Podcast: https://anchor.fm/ishkira-wind/episodes/Podcast-ep94hq

Last night I masturbated and after I had an orgasm I started crying and heard some lyrics from the song Scarborough Fair in my head…

(both)
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me to one who lives there
For she once was a true love of mine

(man)
Tell her to make me a cambric shirt
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Without any seam nor needlework
And then she’ll be a true love of mine

Tell her to wash it in yonder dry well
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Which never sprung water nor rain ever fell
And then she’ll be a true love of mine

Tell her to dry it on yonder thorn
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Which never bore blossom since Adam was born
And then she’ll be a true love of mine

Ask her to do me this courtesy
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And ask for a like favour from me
And then she’ll be a true love of mine

(both)
Have you been to Scarborough Fair?
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Remember me from one who lives there
For he once was a true love of mine

(woman)
Ask him to find me an acre of land
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Between the salt water and the sea-sand
For then he’ll be a true love of mine

Ask him to plough it with a lamb’s horn
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And sow it all over with one peppercorn
For then he’ll be a true love of mine

Ask him to reap it with a sickle of leather
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
And gather it up with a rope made of heather
For then he’ll be a true love of mine

When he has done and finished his work
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Ask him to come for his cambric shirt
For then he’ll be a true love of mine

(both)
If you say that you can’t, then I shall reply
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
Oh, Let me know that at least you will try
Or you’ll never be a true love of mine

Love imposes impossible tasks
Parsley, sage, rosemary and thyme
But none more than any heart would ask
I must know you’re a true love of mine

I like the version of Omnia band, but also Simon and Garfunkel’s.
~
I dread masturbating πŸ™‚ ~ The more time passes, the worse it gets for me, and I haven’t learned anything encouraging regarding these matters, quite the contrary. The more information I understand, the more I realize, this shit has never been exciting for me… Regardless of what happened in the past, my past, what I remember about this topic from this life.. (*sigh*)… I find it unexcusable to still do certain things like this, the modules/triggers I access to orgasm doesn’t do anyone any good (help). Pain and nothing.  I don’t know what the incentives-to-masturbate really are. They dare not speak about this for real! I mainly hear lies. I wouldn’t do most of the things I think about when I masturbate with anyone, and thinking about those things because in another Thought language it means something different, good, innocent, whatever, is LYING. (and not only that but all bad things). I have no unfulfilled sexual fantasy & my Soul Hunger is for something else, something very different than the shit I gave my time to most of this life.  I don’t care what they want to see in my head. It’s so wrong to put things like this… If this was my ‘job’ (earn a living from doing such things), I would gladly reorient when it comes to making money, but oh, hey, ti and… lies… [ALL MY LIFE – schemes plots and lies, all fields, everywhere] πŸ˜€ ~ So, anyway, hundreds of IDONTAGREETODOTHISs later, I am moneyless, and everythingiwantless (most of if not every; If I waste more time calculating I prove myself to be right, in vain, same as everytime), and honestly, I can’t take this anymore. It’s an insult to my fucking CORE, and I wasn’t born to TAKE. It’s an illusion anyway, no? Ok, I’m waiting for this bad dream to end, to ‘wake up’, so I can do something else… It’s not that I didn’t try, I knew/know that it was not my place to do something anyway. Zero choices, and little choices feed big mechanisms that not only I don’t agree with, but are incorrect in (their?) nature… πŸ™‚ Thank you for your continued support but please don’t misunderstand me anymore, that would be biggest support of all. 

Nu mai vreau

 

Poze facute azi dimineata din bucatarie.
~~~
Din jurnal: 
When the music’s over (x3)
Turn out the lights (x3)
For the music is your special friend
Dance on fire as it intends
Music is your only friend
Until the end (x3)
(The Doors)
Fragmente din vis: Eyes closed, could hear smth, like a song, that was interpreted as my voice. I struggled to speak over it, I could hear my own voice, and the song stopped.  
I was telling to a spooky pig dude… You have (contain) something that feeds me… And I started moving my arms and hands, as if dancing. The rest of my body was still… Nu, nu te vampirizez… Si i-am spus… Asa cum eu nu am mancat niciodata, tu nu te-ai futut niciodata, that’s why you only sound as CORRECT/INCORRECT when we speak. 
Part of a machinery, smth intricate, moving very fast, something related to Clocks. They do that but dream of v. interesting (to me) things; how we communicate. Their brain & digestive systems, compared to what I know about mine – inversed. Ciudat. Nu stiu ce inseamna. Si nici ce inseamna “online” pentru ei, cumva dependent de anumite actiuni ale mele, in viata (mea) reala. [HAHAHA]. – Thanks for showing me that! I’m same… Sad… SAD… Nothing )rly) exciting anymore, incentive to do stuff = null. I’m not depressed! Doar ca nu am ce sa fac. Nimeni nu face nimic, dar nu asta e motivul :).
Am tot vorbit despre asta si nu imi place sa ma repet.
Totul e degeaba si tot e fac(em) se concretizeaza in chestii rele si cacat. Sau in cel mai bun caz degeaba. Bun – rau, ha? 

Ramai cu bine, oricum nu stiu cine esti.

πŸ’‹

Hey you

“Hey You”

Hey, you!
Out there in the cold
Getting lonely, getting old.
Can you feel me?

Hey, you!
Standing in the aisles
With itchy feet and fading smiles.
Can you feel me?

Hey, you!
Don’t help them to bury the light.
Don’t give in without a fight.

Hey, you!
Out there on your own
Sitting naked by the phone.
Would you touch me?

Hey, you!
With your ear against the wall
Waiting for someone to call out.
Would you touch me?

Hey, you!
Would you help me to carry the stone?
Open your heart, I’m coming home

But it was only fantasy.
The wall was too high as you can see.
No matter how he tried he could not break free.
And the worms ate into his brain.

Hey, you!
Out there on the road,
Always doing what you’re told.
Can you help me?

Hey, you!
Out there beyond the wall,
Breaking bottles in the hall.
Can you help me?

Hey, you!
Don’t tell me there’s no hope at all.
Together we stand,
Divided we fall.

~~~
I wonder what home means for some…