28 vineri. I didn’t
like .. Once.. Once.. Cutting my hair… After 2019 (my hair was long, red, till
the tailbone – I used to trim it once or twice a year). Doing things against my
own will is bad, unhealthy. Doing it because keyword, because haircut (the act)
is a GUY (or the name of a guy or what? *)
SO WRONG. Like most things I do, useless. Joy abounds,
in this world, but I delight in none.
Because I see (not what I seek) but enough to know… Delighting in current
circumstances would be delusional for everyone involved. And I have at core
(center) mechanism of inner delight, MY kitchen/factory L I can’ use
at all… Hints are nothing… It’s all we can do… BS…
After a weird synchronicity. Reading from https://www.jstor.org/stable/30225590?seq=1, contemplating suicide. – Not a serious thought, not a joke.
~ 28.05 ~ I want nothing of that guy anymore (Ezdul-Twitch Guy- ALL ‘he’ ever ‘meant’ for me. !ALL!), in my head, prompted like it is (every day) very annoying. It’s not only about, while I masturbate, but random pop ups as well, I feel I don’t have to learn anything more from them or I am not directly shown what I need to learn. Hurts too much, ‘my voice not being heard’ (& who knows how this hurts others – but hey this shouldn’t be my concern, yea? WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE LIES THOUGH? I see NOTHING done, or wrong pace of ‘doing’ things 🙁 => More lies) ~
No regrets! (I’m not allowed to ‘move on’ though, from ALL I’ve been through in my life, all lvls.).
But no choice either and this is a very big problem.
I wish I knew who still doesn’t understand this so I can talk to them so they leave me alone. (please don’t misunderstand these words and please stop invoking Fear as a reason for how things are going for us all.)
Been so long since I keep saying this or similar with no justice being done to my case.( aka see a difference, or some, so I can DO SOMETHING for real. All I hear is NO when it comes to what’s important for me. NO or WAIT & Always, DO MORE OF … & more humiliation after. Please stop invoking my Humanity -mynameisLaura- when it comes to this because It’s being used as a trendy excuse and I’ve seen many trendy excuses being used ‘to shut me up or alter my output SOICANSTAYPARKED*- but I count invisibly lvl of intelligence and THIS IS NOT POSSIBLE like this (error from which we learn ~).
*I am not parked ~ Controversy ~ Nobody is honest about this <3
29.5. Cateva ore… Lipsa actiunii mele, urmata de actiune, doesn’t settle anything for the shit I got.
I don’t want any guy ‘back’ into my mind thoughts, especially while I learn what they were, what I was doing, what happened. (ex bfs, how I’ve seen them ~ when Energy tries to talk to me, I still mainly see the past meat suits through which(?) that energy interacted with me, wchich is very confusing at times – Don’t even get me started about: Family members, Girls that were guys, etc.)
Disgusted about EC’s face & other, specific ones, to think about while I masturbate. (smth v wrong about this, like a wrong interpretation of what I thought about number 8~)
Dear David (crazy_____) ~ The more time passes, the more I’m not even sure how and when I talked to you. Who told me about your fantasy? (E is bs answer in this case sorry – no details, no correct rationality about this.) Ok so I’ve tried to do it. Fancied some stuff. Was that you? Your clothes? Really? Clothes that anyone could wear? Why would I care? Why am I pestered with that *Ifulfilledyourfantasyinmymind* thing? I fulfilled other’s as well, and HELL, I still (have to?) think about them from time to time, not really my choice, and btw, I’m not making (earning) anything from this. (Soul gold is smth different.). Some lied to me about you because I fancied you (apparently) and since I no longer fancy the other guy, /betsonyou (save yourselves). More I’ve heard about you: That I beseeched you to talk to me (???). That anyone can be (like) you, etc. I wonder what you think about this. If you are that Ubermensch vs Enlightened man Candidate shit, I’m even more disappointed about what I’ve been doing lately…Weeks months YEARS already. Not that I want to specifically want to do anything with YOU ( I don’t know you! How can I know you if I don’t know myself? + All the secrets, and the lies.)