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19.05.2021 Din jurnal:

18.05. Early am. Slept weird/woke up feeling weird. Thinking about my sadness
& how it’s mostly because of {spiral} about masturbating/orgasms (4work
& not only – all abt this subject/topic). I don’t like anything about this…
Keywords… Faces… Ways… Any… Missing me like this is almost like not knowing me,
so you can’t miss me… I didn’t like any part… None… & I didn’t even
understand (inner knowing or from ppl/clients/etc) the basics of what I needed
2 know. “This fucks up my days” ~ no answer. I wouldn’t do this for anyone,
& I have no idea (still) who I’m doing this 4.  -_- . I’m not struggling 2 find purpose… To
learn…How? (foundation…building on lies…no good…). Too much time passed with
this sort of pain & too little understandment… I didn’t learn. This hurts.
What I learned/found out (1) could’ve happened without any/most of this shit.
“I don’t know what to do” ~  I really
don’t like anything of the …whatever I think about when masturbating… Big lies
that I still don’t know of?…??? Unjust… It’s been too long… I felt awful even
when it wasn’t. No one listened… As if… They cared about/how I was feeling but
not listening… Blame always smth else… More shit… Days… Lies… It’s so
illogical, even if you look @ the “heart cannot be controlled” type of
perspective. I don’t know what to do… More? For/because of who? This is not
love/loving. Or me facing (my) nightmares… I don’t see anyth good abt. This…
Why do more? Proves nothing “that I can do it”. Proved nothing… All the times
when I felt it can make a difference so I had that as motivation… Who I’d love
(in all ways) would never misunderstand me in these ways… Poison*…Blindness…
*Not the type that can do anyth… I would embrace that/accept… & go on.
Feeling raped every day & not allowed 2 heal…WTF…All I hear is nonsense…
Love would never ask this… The, the, the…Excuse! Friends would not do this 2
eachother… Getting drown in lies… Contradictions. Misunderstood…Opposites? [I
have seen no proof, just silly explanations]. Have…Have…Have…What? It’s worse
than a stupid/bad joke… What to look forward to? Having a face means smth else…
Energy (the one I seek/know of) ~ nothing 2 do with this… It’s no healing me
masturbating/orgasming thinking bout anything/in any circumstance… Unheard
prayers? Prayers are never like that – There’s no love like this…💔 I
find no word for how I feel. No soothing… Not to hold on to (in a bad way) ~ to
soothe, how bad this hurts. I don’t understand, songs, thoughts… of love… With
nobody doing it. Living it. Not an invitation. I lack essential info “to make
up my mind” ~ & clues I get are still tainted (more & more stupid &
psych manipulative – Bad). M…What?
J every day reality… All I step on / interact with… A
message unheard, just like me. I never wanted to do it once… I did it because I
trusted (wrongly) someone. I no longer do that/care/want him (at all-no
part)… So why continue like this? <Bad speed> 4 learning, for the ones I
like… We don’t do anything together… How is lately different that…Ever…? Too much
pain. Soul insulting. I would do anything ~ but what happens is not that…
Nothing changes/progress/proof… Just weirdo’s/fetishes/ppl I’d interact with in
controlled (by me-will) ways. No answer… Rly… What I heard of, fits someone
else’s ??? Not mine… All lvls… wrong… Stuck… I said, I can’t buy my way out of
this with masturbation/orgasm… I don’t do it for that. I’m disgusted by what I
find… Every “after”. 💔. Why do I do it?

– I get pain (phys
& mental noise) if I don’t. {I get pain anyway!}

– it’s not hope (at
all 4 me @ this point as a reason 2 do it – I don’t lack hope) ~ Hope,
misunderstood, as my ways, my love.

– To reach out? Don’t
think so.

– Money? (???) No.- Humiliating.

– Enjoyent? No. 💔

– Someone I care
about? No.

– Future lover? No (!!!
/\/\/\ 💔)

– To learn stuff? |_|

– Food 4 friends?
Seriously? 💔

No ~ I don’t agree –
swimming in lies. So… Why do I do it?

Every day I get
consumed by how I feel about this, I feel bad & repeating same stuff over
& over…Just 2 avoid pain? That’s stupid. I knew nothing of this pain before
2019 & that crap story with Twitch guy! & pain I felt before, what I
still feel now, ~ it’s no pain at all! To learn the truth about myself…Above…All
lies…No proof/incentive/anything. Lies,liars & ppl that don’t want…(why
would I care/not my business/karma) ~ no way as path to heal & goodness
this way… Oneness means smth different… I feel I barely (v. little) grasp @
that… Don’t understand why… (CAUSE THEY DON’T WANT ME 2 … MASTURBATE/ORGASM)… Shit…
To get lost in a moment…Why…. If you don’t understand yourself, you don’t have
that. Self deceiving… I don’t like that… I touch no words that heal with/by
what I do…

I wish I had smth to
look forward to… Not stupid explanations (~wrong speed,covered up “true
intoxication”~)… Crying… Insulting every time I hear a voice I no longer care
about/want nothing 2 do with “just because you can” 💔

I wish I didn’t/wouldn’t
repeat myself & write about other things… I don’t like
masturbation/orgasms/all the lies about love/sex topic & it’s not my
friends/peers that I find… Almost as if… Others talk through me ~ but they
could talk to themselves without me.

A…a…a…a… I’ve seen no
proof. None. Just pain/lies & invitation 4 more. Heartbreaking like I’ve
seen no one talk about… I don’t like anything, nothing soothes.. I close my
eyes…Lies &??? Images I don’t like/care about… Missunderstandments with
easy solution. Will… No proof (!) ~ WHY? Complacency, lies, wrongness… “Too
little to count” ~ always.. No proof 4 more… (I asked no proof 4 God/spiritual ~
real things just the shit that makes up my reality… All… One…
J & all I hear is lies & excuses & …ppl
that can’t do anything with their will ~ smth not respected, like true,
earned, merits/shit).

I despise all that “makes
me have an orgasm”. I have big trouble dealing with reality, “reality” because
of some things that happened. Sickness. Nothing 2 look forward 2 (I wouldn’t do
it wrong~)… 💔 I don’t live to say I’m sorry….. If I don’t even know…
Only lies/wrongness allowed this way.

In the pm: I was
telling Gideon about my sadness, when I feel energies of my ex, or the Twitch
guy – “I didn’t know what was happening”~ I don’t like him/want him & how I
don’t know what 2 do… Heard the word “neverosimil”, made me sad. Neverosimil,
ce? Ca simt altfel dup ace am aflat detalii despre ce era vbs? Weird 2 come from
a smart someone (that can suggest me words like that… isn’t that smart by
defult?:(). Nu pot sac red ca dupa atata timp, pains, given proof I’m still
bothered by nonsense like this… I feel… no open communication. Or trust. NO-NO
: whatever was with my exes (ALL of em), guys I kissed/fucked, ALL… Iulia,
Twitch Guy, Cortana, NOTHING – I like / want NOTHING of that, for no reason.*
Anyth is not respecting my boundaries/healing/learning process… & I’m still
force fed lies, every day, & no one 2 rly talk to. It’s no talking if u
tell me I’m wrong, without even telling me why. & Most I feel e low lvl is
v. wrong and against that* too.
L 💔


From my agenda:

18 Marti

I don’t like
anything. What I love, I would love differently (in truth). Much better. Nobody
does this. It’s not a lament. A lament is heard. What happens 2 me ~ No words…
Friends? Where? Hiding is bad. No one forces us. Pure will – right – where?
When? Lies in dependencies (all). Cum ar fi trecut timpul altfel? De unde stii?
De unde pot sa invat?

19 Miercuri

Card of the day: Pope
of Swords

Rune: Kenaz

• I don’t
want 2 masturbate/I don’t care ~ inadmisibil after so long 2… 💔 ~ Same
feelings… Observing… Same…

Gonna go
out soon, like lately… Imagine/feel/see 💧 things that I don’t know what
4 … Nothing rly soothes… What would? Not sure how to define/think about… I’d
know ~see~

20 Joi

67 kg

 All that screaming didn’t do anything.

Woke up
weird ~ Don’t want 2 participate in today ~ I’ll do anyway.

Before I
fell asleep, storm, thunders, relaxing sound, I felt I can touch them with my
toes. But I fell asleep crying… Message unherard. Psych torture & clueless “friends”
L ~


I was singing to Gideon “You are so beautiful, to me” ~ and asked him if he’d dedicate any song to me, “Cause we are living in a material world” ~ is what I heard.






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