Dream fragments and pictures

Din jurnal:

 Ce vreau eu nu e in lumea asta

05.02   (aproape sa scriu 03-lol). Sleep paralysis experience. Simt ca am dormit mai mult de 2 ore. ~ Eram in sect. 2, era noapte, ieseam din bloc (?) nu stiu unde ma duceam (la magazin – lol, ar fi trebuit sa fie inchise la ora aia). Poarta de la locul de joaca ptr. copii din spatele blocurilor… Ultima data cand am fost pe aici nu era asa (sentiment ciudat). Acum avea buton de deschidere automata, metalic. [Ciudat, desi mergeam in directia ↓ am deschis usa ↑]. Am v Was wandering , had a rolled cigarette. Am simtit ceva ciudat, m-am speriat – Am luat-o mai repede si am inchis usa in spatele meu. *spiral* Sleep paralisys state, I fell to the ground, pareau a fi saci de dormit acolo… O camera… Blurry… S-a napustit asupra mea un caine mare (a venit pe unde am venit si eu, pe masura ce se apropia simteam cum mi se intensifica ‘frica’ desi nu imi era frica. Ceva ciudat generat). Nu imi era frica de el pt ca stiam ca e cu stapanul… Parea un caine bun… <Sleep paralysis state>… Aware of environment…O camera ciudata cu o canapea. Stapanul cainelui, cu el pe canapea. Parea un tip dragut. I-am vazut corpul, fata, dar am simtit sa ii spun: Nu ma pot uita in ochii tai! Apoi mi s-a deformat vocea,de parca nu puteam controla ceva atat de natural ca vorbitul… Eerie atmosphere. I’am zis: ma doare cand se intampla asta… Parca trec dintr-o realitate in alta. (Ce s-a intamplat cand a venit el cu cainele. Ce legatura are asta cu timpul? A? ???). Mi-a zis… Ai invatat… Nicknameul tau… Felt weird.  Told him… Ishkira inseamna soim vanator… Vocea mea suna f. ciudat cand vorbeam. Nu imi gaseam tigara.S-a apropiat de mine, m-a apucat, detalii lipsa… Simteam ca parca ar vrea sa imi faca rau la cum ma apucase, I imagined 2 guys fighting, ziceam in sinea mea ceva de genul: Tu vrei sa ma bati, dar nu imi faci nimic? WTF? A inceput sa se metamorfozeze ciudat, nu il mai vedeam, si a vorbit pe o voce (nice audio effect) de Overlord, sea creature, metallic, electric… Imi amintesc ca mi-a zis… (Parca vroia sa ma traga in “dimensiunea lui”) Talk to you soon onboard… Am vazut aroma unor momente din trecut cu Stefan, parca il luam in brate, fara sa il iau in brate, ethereal… Veils of energy…Flowing…up & down… Am simtit impuls sa imi imaginez ceva SF/monstruos… Dar Stefan era trist… 😉 Am vizualizat o fata zambind cu pumnii inclestati, in fighting pose… Nu stiu de ce… Detalii furate… Nu imi pasa de fetele lor si ma enerveza zambetele false din reclame… Apoi… M-am trezit. Am inceput sa vorbesc in sinea mea incercand sa descifrez detalii din vis. Am auzit “You are the spaceship” ~ ceva ce a spus Occult Priestess. Nu stiu cine ce a inteles din treaba asta. Nu mi-a placut visul… Nici personajele… Nu stiu ce a fost… My issues are the same… Oare ce o fi insemnat “nu ma pot uita in ochii tai”… Dried paint falling on my journal page. Nu mai vreau sa am de-a face cu “lumea lor” asa… Vreau sa fac… Ce stiu eu sa fac si nu pot sa ma gandesc la… Sa visez la… Sa vorbesc… Cu sens.
21.32. Inca am de-a face cu lumea lor. Mi se da peste nas in “real time”. Tot nu inteleg the feelies. As prefera sa se opreasca. Mai ales daca e o “invitatie la masturbate” 🙁 ~ Aud ambele variante.
06.02.21 Ma simt aiurea, ghici de ce. Atat de umilitor sa trebuiasca sa ma gandesc la …*spiral* care nu  ma intereseaza d.p.d.v. sexual doar pt. ca… Alegerea altcuiva (+the no choice of others)
De atata timp
No (real) friend
No consolation (working!)
No coping for real.
Only a vast field of ppl, characters I don’t like, lies, double meanings. The sword not cutting where it should. No intimacy, truth shared between 2.
I hate/despise masturbating. I hate even more doing that for “work”, even more in public/free. If a guy has no problem with me doing that, I wouldn’t like him & I can’t live & function (~ optimal vs ideal -> depends on the level you see stuff from) WITHOUT 😉 ~ Default settings, hidden gifts. Treasure chest @ the bottom of the sea. Hate all their failed projects. I feel smth v simple (easy 2 process/apply) is Hidden, don’t know why (fear – I have no fear). Could change everyth & I’ve seen no signs of correctshit, quite the contrary. No communication – no honesty.
Hurts more cause they didn’t rly let me study the details I needed 2 understand +++ I harm myself with showing the brainwashed meanings – porn & sex stuff that has nothing 2 do with love in love language. Nobody is happy so how could they ever tell me I’m wrong/bad? I didn’t even get… bla bla service shit. No. Slavery. Can’t even choose the ones I’d roleplay that with. & For what? Totul e calculat ptr. distrugere/uzura/unhappiness. Imi e scarba cand le vad toate urmele sau ce naiba sunt cacaturile puse in propozitii care ar fi trebuit sa insemne ceva.
Simt ca n-am lasat nimic nespus si totusi daca … degeaba … atunci tot … degeaba….
Profunzimea durerii – combinatie de disrespect + intentie infundata. I can’t relax knowing I have no choice, this is sickness & sick ppl & I don’t know what else. Zero what I want. 🙁 RLY. I function in vain. I can’t live knowing this.
Ma inspira chestii ciudate si tot neinteleasa sunt 🙂
De ce mereu cand merg la Biserica trebuie sa se intample ceva?
Souvenirs from …
The crack of doom
A fairy door.
Ahahahahaha. Multumesc pentru instiintare.
Gif facut din autobuz (thx giphy!)
Daca te doare nu mai imi place.
As vrea sa inteleg de ce si cum te doare, ca tot n-am ce face.
Vremuri tulburi.
Latest whatevering session:
Thx for reading bye.
Megadeth – A Tout Le Monde Lyrics
Don’t remember where I was
I realized life was a game
The more seriously I took things
The harder the rules became
I had no idea what it’d cost
My life passed before my eyes
I found out how little I accomplished
All my plans denied
So as you read this know my friends
I’d love to stay with you all
Please smile when you think of me
My body’s gone that’s all
A tout le monde (To all the world)
A tous mes amis (To all my friends)
Je vous aime (I love you)
Je dois partir (I have to leave)
These are the last words
I’ll ever speak
And they’ll set me free
If my heart was still alive
I know it would surely break
And my memories left with you
There’s nothing more to say
Moving on is a simple thing
What it leaves behind is hard
You know the sleeping feel no more pain
And the living are scarred.

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