What does Today mean to you, anyway? (part E)

No. You’re wrong. Or I’m just not seeing the numbers behind the letters I’m reading as words you might never even heard of because… No. You’re wrong.

There’s a reason why every time I feel you I feel like running away, I only gave a bunch of select few a ticket to my mind anyway, the rest are there by breaking in so I can’t be anything for anyone of yous for real until this is ….. ? so stop expecting, stop counting me in, please, I don’t want to be. It’s so embarrassing telling you over and over again. No. You’re wrong, you have things to do on your own before you can be with others. Others like me? Do you have any idea what I went through? Then how dare you comment on my next step? It’s your job? They didn’t even teach me what money is in your language, man. I need to heal from the cult of past, I need to learn some real stuff, than CHOOSE who I share with how I apply what I learned… This is the only healthy way of doing shit as of where I stand now.  I do not allow you to contradict me, because whoever you are, your data is either purely wrong, or incomplete, and I’m tired of it. These past months of what happened with masturbation and my mind and orgasms and internet and media and virus and lies and all…. I can’t anymore, I need a break, the lies will not cease to exist if I do it one more time or once again regardless of what I think about it’s sick man I don’t know what to do anymore. I despise thinking about cunnilingus shit and having orgasms with no real purpose at all cause nobody gives a fuck to teach me something real WITH/IN words. It’s like Devil’s playground and I hate it. How can I ever trust something or somebody in the real world if ALL the real teachings are in that Unexplainable state & ways that can’t be put in words? And by real world I meant this thing that keeps getting combobulated ”for” me, around me in WRONG ways according to BROKEN laws of the Few that rule what shit? Real rulers do not hide. What are we hiding from? I don’t believe in boogiemonsters. (?) No progress quite the contrary, from last summer when… Pains me to say/see…. Used beyond belief…By the most ‘spiritual’ the most. [Thatnks for letting me know I am Enlightened} ~ but, to what avail? To do what I do these days with my mind, not being allowed a real fucking break to figure out wtf has been happening with my life anyway?? Talk with some auth teachers someone who doesnt need to be reminded with links every time RERERERERERE To  see what I’ve been doing ~~~ Wtf… I feel like the lowest scum ever because of what I ‘ ve been doing to myself and God forbid I don’t do X or Y thing today it’s like I signed an invisible contract that i’m doing these shits every day . I ALREADY SAID I NO LONGER WISH TO TRADE ANYTHING.
I SAW SOMETHING Let me go from there stop keeping on downgrading me.. I just want to be alone for a while I dread what I saw the manipulation of emotions (i dont know how they do it ~ do i even wanna learn? No.) The simple fact that I detect these things creep me out ~ Leave me alone. 
Real healing needed. We are not on the way . The lies hurt it’s like engraving shit more deeply. People have been sending correct signals for years ~ not heard ~ so regardless of what I do / proceed, I won’t be heard either so why do anything, I can’t…..It’s very unhealthy to make me do/think like I did/ for whatever reason without the real deal, ”always promised in the future” ~ what a sick way of ”life”… I’m surrounded by dead things that have no problem to smile on command, why, I do… I just want out of this shit that I have not brought upon myself. 

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